Wednesday, May 24


I was laughing so hard I was crying.

Let me set the scene. It is Sunday May 14th in the evening. My husband always sits in the reclining chair. So as usual he was in that chair kicked back and my daughter was standing next to the side of it. They are playing around pushing each other with their hands palm to palm. Needless to say, Jaclyn was starting to have a hard time. So she tells my husband that there is a spider. Spider's are his arch nemesis. Anyway, he freaks out and stops the pushing game. I immediately start laughing and had to bury my face in the couch because it was soooooooooo funny that she thought of that to get him to stop.

At first he didn't realize there really wasn't one but with me cracking up he figured it out. And at first he was mad and told her not to do that and wasn't laughing at all. But with me still cracking up he had to laugh a little bit.

By the next day he was telling the story and saying it was a great move. And I was still cracking up when we went to bed that next night.

My girl is so smart and funny!!


Well, it has been since the 10th that I have been able to write anything down.

My grandmother passed away on May 15th and we have gotten through the wake, funeral, and memorial mass/luncheon.

All in all it went well. And I am glad it is over. I was very sad earlier this month but by the 15th I was at peace with it all.

Wednesday, May 10


So my uncle who never talks to any of us unless he needs something made the comment to Missy that more or less I was coming around for the money. He is my grandparents only remaining child. My dad (stepdad) was his brother. Even when we were little and his brother was alive he never really came around. Anyway, this really upset me last night as I am not the one who is after their money.

It is really frustrating that I have done nothing wrong. I have never ever asked them for anything except for them to accept me and love me as their granddaughter. Which never really happened. So once again I am reduced to the young child I was when they first started rejecting me. It really hurts and no one around me really knows what I went through and how I felt then and now.

This is why it was such a big deal to me when she introduced me as her granddaught to the nurse at the hospital.

We found out that she may not make it through today. Forgive me but the selfish side of me can't wait for the funeral to be over and they can go back to ignoring me and I can go back to trying not to think about it.

In a nutshell this whole thing sucks!!

Tuesday, May 9

Soccer star

I have to talk about my little soccer star. She started soccer with this spring session. She has never played before and only had 2 practices before her first game. We weren't even going to consider putting her in soccer but she seemed to have some natural skills with kicking the ball.

So the first couple of games she didn't pay too much attention and didn't really like when the other kids would be in her face trying to all fight for the ball. But here we are a few games later and she is doing much better. Over her last 3 games she has scored 7 goals. One goal each for the first 2 of those 3 games and then a whopping 5 goals this past Sunday at her game. This was all within a matter of a week. She was so excited. I am so proud of her. She is a tough girl and will battle a bit more to get the ball.

The team doesn't really have positions or do well with passing the ball to other team mates yet but I am sure that will come.

Monday, May 8

Mixed Feelings

I can't believe it has been over a month since I wrote anything.

My grandmother is dying. We were never very close. I was about 9 when my mom remarried and this is really my step grandmother. I wasn't really accepted ever by them and I think I get some of the ill feelings that were associated with my mother. My sisters were really all my grandparents cared about. So as I got older I stayed away a lot. After all I had the grandparents on my mother's side. I never knew my biological father's parents or my biological father for that matter.

Anyway, my mother's mother was everything to me and she passed away a long time ago. All I have left on that side is my grandfather who lives far away and I don't get to see or talk to that often. He will be 92 in a couple of months and he doesn't hear very well on the phone. I miss you Grammy!

But I am getting off the subject. My step-dad's mother. My step dad passed away in 1994 from Hodgkins disease which is a cancer that goes through the lymph nodes. Now his mother has it. I went to the hospital to visit with my daughter who is 4 on April 27 and 28th. I didn't have to work those days and I felt it important to show I actually care. She was always a say it like it is no matter how it makes someone feel type of person so she still reduces me to the scared child I was. The first day we went she introduced me to the nurse as her granddaughter and then my daughter as her great granddaughter. It was very strange to me and it has really stuck with me this past week. I don't ever remember her acknowledging that fact in public before.

I am very close to my one sister. Her (Missy) and I are not close with our other sister, Sam or our mother. But that is another story. Missy lived with our grandparents when she moved back home from college and is very close with them. So I am being strong for her even though I am feeling sad. Our grandmother was in a hospice facility for a week and is now home and hospice is sending nurses to make sure she is comfortable. My uncle is making Missy and Sam help out and take care of her and I feel asking too much. Especially of Missy given her emotional state with all of this. But it struck me over the weekend that I am the only one who doesn't owe them anything and anything I do can be without guilt. Both of my sisters have milked them for money. Granted Sam is supported by them to this day and Missy only did the guilt thing every now and again to get them to pay for something. My uncle has forever had them handle way too much. Even as a grown adult living away from home for years would still have his mother do his laundry. It is really frustrating seeing him leave much of her care to my sisters (her granddaughters).

Missy is expecting me to save her from people when she gets trapped at the funeral which includes my mother and other sister. It always happens where I have to be the strong one. Being the oldest child I have always had much of the burden of keeping things together and it has taken it's toll on me. But I will do this once again for Missy. I don't know what I would do without her. She is truly my family and doesn't talk to me only when she needs something.

But I am still SAD...
and I am not sure anyone else would understand.