Wednesday, January 31

More Pictures of the Car

My neice sent me a couple more pictures of the car. These crack me up.

Snow Day

It snowed and snowed and snowed last night. My husband had to clear the driveway twice last night and then still had to do it this morning so we could get out.

Schools were closed.

But I still had to go to work. So I take Belle to my sister in law's house this morning. They never clear their driveway so good thing I had my boots on. They also have extra cars there since they always have some sort of car trouble going on.

We walk in front of the one car parked closest to their garage and this is what I saw. I had to take a picture with my cell phone because it was so funny to look at. The picture is way bad because it was so dark but hopefully you will get the idea.

This looks like one of the cars from the movie cars. And yes those are piles of snow that are making it look like it is smiling.

Tuesday, January 30

Letter to My Daughter

Dear Belle,

I have found so much joy in being your mom. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you. You have such a spirit about you that I find so amazing.

You can test my patience like no one else. I can get so frustrated when you have a bad attitude. You know what you want and don't want and have no problem voicing your choices. You will tell me you are mad at me for the littlest things. And whining. Oh boy can you whine. There are days that I am not sure I can take any more and just need to have a moment of peace. And as much as I may yell since you choose to block me out when I talk in my normal voice I can't help but think what a strong person you are.

I am such a wimp really. I know you will grow up and not be pushed around by others. I know you will stand up for yourself. You are a much stronger person at 5 than I have ever been. I find that truly amazing.

You are also very smart. I fear that you will not do well in school because you get frustrated easily when you don't get something perfect. But I also know you will do well in school because you have a thirst for knowledge. The first day of preschool you walked in and haven't looked back since.

I love that you are so independent but at the same time still love me to take care of you. I wonder if I am creating a person who will be high maintenance as an adult but know deep down that you can do things for yourself and will when you want to or need to.

You have so many wonderful qualities that I hope will bring you all the best life has to offer. I love how you care about other people and how they are feeling. You love all of your aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents so much. I have been told many times by many different people that just hearing your voice or seeing you makes them feel happier and in a better mood.

Some people just have an "IT" factor. You really do have "IT". People respond to you in such amazing ways. You love your music, dancing, and ice skating. You always stand by me at home which can drive daddy crazy. Girls rule after all.

I love that you love to hang out with mommy and would much rather stay home with me than go anywhere else. I too would much rather stay home with you. I get very sad when I drop you off so that I can go to work. I am sorry that I couldn't' be a stay at home mom with you.

There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I will always be there for you no matter what. You can tell me anything and everything. I will be your best friend whenever you need me.

I love you more than words!

Monday, January 29


I am hoping the sickness that has covered our house over the past few weeks is officially gone. Belle was actually able to go back to school today. YEAH!!!! Even though I am been fighting something off and on so far it hasn't been too bad. So hopefully that stays that way.

We had a good weekend. Didn't do too much which is the way I like it. Even though we spent a few hundred getting our car fixed (bearings-UGH) we didn't let that put a damper on our weekend. Yesterday I didn't leave the house. That is so hard for me to do since I usually have to run errands until I want to scream.

Tonight I am hoping that we are feeling well enough still for Belle and I to go out and play in the snow. The snow from last week had started to melt a little bit but we got another few inches last night. It is the fluffy soft kind. I hope it will be good enough to make a snowman. My poor deprived daughter has never been able to make one yet. Usually the good snowman making snow happens on a day that I work and by the time I get home it is just too hard. But I am determined to make it happen this evening if we are feeling good. It is so much fun to play in the snow and then go in and have hot cocoa. I remember doing that so many times as a child. I want Belle to have that sort of fond memories also.

Anyway, boo hoo it is Monday and not that I want to wish my life away but I hope this week goes by fast. At least the parts that I have to work.

Happy Monday.

Tuesday, January 23

Tired of Feeling Guilty

My girl has been sick off and on for a couple of weeks now.

At first she had a really runny nose and low grade fever.

That cleared up and then she had a sore throat for a few days.

That cleared up and now she has a really bad cough, fever, runny nose, and who knows what else. She had a fever all weekend. Her nose wouldn't stop running all day Saturday. But thankfully she has stopped going through her tissues at a rate of one per minute. I finally had enough and took her to the doctor yesterday afternoon. She goes into these coughing attacks that I fear will make her throw up sometimes. It also sounds very wheezy.

I left work early and picked her up from my SIL's house. On the way in the car I told her we were going to the doctor and she just about screamed her head off. On one hand that wouldn't have been too bad since that would have taken care of her cold but on the other hand it is a really cute head. I understand her anxiety as the last time we were there in December she received 5 shots. Not a pleasant visit at all unless you count the 5 stickers she got as a reward.

So we are at the doctors office and I reassure her that she won't have to take her clothes off this time and she won't be getting any shots. The doctor comes in and looks in her ears, mouth, and listens to her back and chest. She said her lungs sound clear and tells me a certain kind of cough medicine to get that lasts 12 hours. Then Belle coughs. The doctor says, "Ohhh. That doesn't sound like a normal cold cough." And I thank God that she heard her cough because that is why I am here. It doesn't sound good. So the doctor says she wants to listen to her breath again. She says she still sounds ok. me a prescription for Singgulaair to help in case she has inflammation that is causing her cough to sound like that. If not better by Thursday or definitely by Friday, I am to call her and she will probably have me get her a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. Oh how I hope this clears up by then.

All the while in the back of my mind is the fact that I can't keep taking off of work. I will run out of time before I get out of January at this rate.

I hate taking her out in the now freezing cold weather because I want her to get better. I hate having to worry about do I stay with her, do I take her to my SIL's house, what do I do, what do I do back and forth in my head.

Oh how I wish I could be a stay at home mom. So much less stress. I am a much better person when I don't have to worry about work.

*Update: Yeah-had to call in sick to work yesterday. Belle woke up at 3am with an earache. Now she is on antibiotics as well as her other medicines. UGH!

Wednesday, January 17

Childs Play

Have you ever felt so alone that it feels like there is no one who would care if you were around or not?

I get in funks sometimes that are stupid. I know my daughter would care if I weren't here. I think my husband would care. I know my sister would care.

My sister is my best friend. I would tell her anything. I often do tell her anything. I know she has told me "stuff" too. She is the first person I call when I need to celebrate, vent, or just chit chat. But I don't always feel like I am the first person she calls. I know there are times when I am not. That always hurts me.

She is not the only one like this. For some reason it seems people forget about me. I am a good friend. I care about people. I try to be there for them. But it always seems that they don't need me as much as I need them. I am really not a needy person. I am actually a pretty stubborn person who would do something by myself rather than ask someone else to do it for me.

In my funks I stop calling people. I am always the one who calls. I don't really keep tabs but I don't need to. It is obvious.

My sister works for the same company I do but just on another floor. Normally we call each other every day even though we don't always get to see each other. Well it has now been since last week that I have not called her. And she has not called me either. We see each other on Thursday nights at ice skating but other than that I haven't talked to her in a week. She did send me an email on Monday morning telling me she won a raffle but that was it.

I was looking over a local TV stations website and they did a story about infertility. My sister is having problems getting pregnant and they are not sure why. I know this affects her and she knows that no matter how she is feeling I will listen to her. I have told her before that the way she feels doesn't need to be justified because no matter what it is how she feels and that is OK. Within the article it gave the man's perspective and there was a line that told people to call even if the other person was never calling them.

I emailed her the link to the article because I thought she may find it interesting. She is on the phones quite a bit at work but no reply. I am still being childish. But I know I will call eventually. My funks don't usually last that long.

These funks just give me a sad feeling that I am not as important to that person as they are to me. Or that is the perception even if it is inaccurate.

Tuesday, January 16

I Want A Flu Shot

In December it was once again time to take Belle for her yearly check up. I scheduled her appointment for the 18th.

For about a month or so I have been talking about her going to the doctor for this and she would always ask me about getting shots. She saw my arm in October when I got my flu shot from work. Back then I told her that it didn't really hurt. That it only felt like a little pinch and then it was all done.

Fast forward to December and she wants to know if she too can get a flu shot when we go to her appointment. I am always telling her we will see.

So we are in the car on our way. Everything is hunky dory. Her pediatrician is the greatest. She is nice and caring and the kids can tell it is genuine. We go through all of the formalities of height, weight, and safety concerns. Yes she is still in a car seat instead of a booster seat due to her weight. She is just at the height level for a booster but sadly not the weight. I would probably have to weight until she was at least 6 but I think I will move her in the summer. But I digress.

I know she is due for shots but Belle doesn't. I didn't want her to get all freaked before we got there even though she has been requesting a flu shot.

Her doctor informs me that they are out of one of the immunizations she needs. Plus they don't have the flu shot in her dose for her size. They do have it in the lower dose of which they could give her 2. So now we are up to a total of 5 shots if she still wants her flu shot. I ask Belle to make sure she understands and she says she still wants it. But we decide to come back another day to let the nurse give the shots so that they can all be done in one visit. I was afraid if they did all but the one they were missing Belle would not want to come back.

Daily she began to ask me if we could go to the doctor's to get her shots. Can we go today?? Can we? Can we? It was like I was in the twilight zone.

I had time off around the holidays. I took her back and told the nurse that she was looking forward to seeing her doctor give the shots because I had explained that she does it so fast that the caps to the needles are flying through the air landing everywhere. The nurse said she can make that happen. Buuuutttt, we should do the shots in her arms and not her thighs due to the flu shot. OKkkkkaaaaayyyyyy. (now I am very leery)

When she was 2 I held her on my lap but this time they just wanted me to hold her hands.

They inserted that first needle and the look of horror on Belle's face was something I don't think I will forget. It was hard to watch her break into tears and try to squirm away and me having to hold her.

At one point the nurse picks up stuff as she is going and tosses it through the air. The last shot she got hurt the worst. According to the nurse that particular one burns a bit.

I just held her in my arms as she still sat on the table. I felt so bad. I put her shirt back on her which was a chore since she didn't want to lift her arm. And I could only get one sleeve of her coat on her. The other arm stayed at her side and was zipped inside for warmth.

When we were in the car she told me that she never wants another shot and she will not have another shot. Bad mommy that I was I forgot to bring her some tylenol or motrin to help with the pain. And of course the office didn't have any samples.

I asked her if ice cream would help. She said maybe so I took her to Cold Stone.

Monday, January 15


I try not to watch the news. It only disturbs me to my core more often than not.

This weekend I heard the headlines that there were two boys found alive after having gone missing. The one was gone for years.

These boys have been returned to their respectful families who are simply put overjoyed. I would be too if I was those families.

Although I often wonder if I could survive if something unspeakable were to happen to my daughter. I think I would become useless and die of a broken heart. I would like to think I am stronger than that but I fear I am not. I would be living out those moments in my head and trying to conjure up the image of what she would be going through. As I type this it makes my heart skip a beat and my hands shaky. My imagination would be worse than anything real (I hope).

Years ago as a teenager I was in a car accident. I was driving along the freeway minding my own business when a car tried to pass another car in the high speed lane by going into the burm. They lost control and swerved across several lanes of traffic to hit me dead on the driver's side door. It pushed my little camero into the next lane. I pulled over to figure out what happened and realized that the car that hit me was still driving. I thought to myself, Hell no! There was no way I was going to let them get away. I put it into drive and sped after them. They hit a few other cars as they sped along but I kept up and got behind them. I stayed there long enough to get the license plate number. I chanted that number all the way to my house. My parents came running out to find out what happened as I tried to pry myself out of the car on the passenger side. And all I could say was to call the police. I ran inside and wrote down the number before I could forget it. The police came and took the report. They said they had other reports of a hit and run driver on the loose.

This was the end of my camero but it began my fear of strangers and the world. The police ended up catching this guy the next day when he decided to go home. They matched the paint on his car to mine. He of course had no insurance, no job, and no way to pay for the damage he caused. We had to sit in court while the judge questioned him. He got off scot free. But he looked at me directly with his eyes saying I will not forget that you were the one who called the police.

After that I always felt that there was someone watching my house. My address was on the police report as was his. He may have never even thought about tracking me down but the fear was there.

I hated to let the dog out at night. There are too many shadows that I cannot see if anyone is standing there. I hate to be home alone at night. I especially hate to be alone all night.

On most days I can deal with this. But I am still always locking the doors. I am still afraid. I try not to pass this fear on to my daughter but I want her to be somewhat afraid of this world. If anyone is watching Belle I expect them to keep their doors locked as well. Even in the summer and you would have the patio door open. I expect them to close and lock it to go to the bathroom or the basement. Even if only for a minute. Too many kids have been taken from their homes.

In the news report this morning they said that over 1 million children are reported missing every year. That is an awful lot of children. I am sure some run away. Some are returned home unharmed. But what about the rest? My husband questioned this number. He said what happens to all of these kids?

My only reply was to say, "Now you see why I am so paranoid."

Friday, January 12


Hi All,

Anyone out there?

Not sure if I have any but are there any lurkers out there?


Thursday, January 11


I just have to put this in writing before I forget about it.

At the ice show they perform shortened versions of the actual stories. Well during one of the stories a large dragon came out. It was chasing The Prince from Sleeeeping Beautyy around the ice and also breathed fire.
While this dragon was on the chase

Belle says, "That thing is freaking me out. I am afraid he is going to get him!".

I looked at her and said, "Did you say it was freaking you out?"

She replies, "Yes. It is freaking me out. I thought it was going to get him."

My reply, "You, crack me up babe. Are you scared? Was it scary?" through my laughter.

It was quite good.


Belle is sick. She has been all week. Monday night and Tuesday were probably the worst. She is so congested it is crazy. So now you know what I have been doing most of the week.

Thankfully she was much much better yesterday by the time I got home from work. I was getting worried that we wouldn't be able to use our tickets to see Dinsey Princessessss on Ice. Of all of the shows this is the one she would want to see.

And it was really good. One of my favorites. But then it is all about the princesses in my house. We spent way too much money on the "stuff" that they sell. Belle really wanted to get cotton candy but we said no many times. It was $10 for goodness sake. Granted you got a pathetic gold plastic crown with micky ears (notice the sarcasm dripping from these words-crown so not worth the money). She had a great time and her face was lighting up as she talked about it when she was going to bed. But it was freezing cold outside and since she has been sick and we had to walk outside from our car to get in I had her wear her princess glitter jeans with her princess shirt/sweater. There were many girls dressed up in their dresses and of course Belle wanted to know why I didn't have her wear hers. I tried to explain but she was still unhappy about that (at least for a moment). It started at 7pm and we were home by 9:30pm so it wasn't too bad. It didn't feel like a short show either.

I hope she is still feeling better today. I hope. I hope. I hope.

Monday, January 8


I signed Belle up for her kindergarten classes this morning.

As I sit her looking back at this morning a few things surprise me about myself.

1) I nearly forgot all about it. I don't know if I was subconsciously trying to block this from my brain (and heart) or what the deal is.

2) I wasn't the least bit upset when I went. When I left. Or anytime in between. Even now I am not sad about this. And that really surprises me as I was in tears looking at all of the little heads in the school bus last fall thinking soon that would be Belle.

Now as I ponder these things and try to figure out why I can't really. The only thing I think is that it will really hit me when it is time for her to go for her assessment on February 21st or when she actually starts school. I also wonder if the fact that I had to fork over $325 this morning also put a damper on my sobs.

But she is enrolled in all day everyday kindergarten at this point. I can't believe it's true.

Bring On the Cold

Well not the flu cold but the cold weather. Now don't get me wrong, I don't like to be cold or anything. It is just that the weather has been so wacky. I mean really wacky.

It is now January. I shouldn't be able to go outside in a t-shirt to get the dog inside from doing his business and not be freezing for it.

But I can.

Well today it is actually cold but by the end of the week it won't be. But cold is in the 30's. That is still not as cold as it gets.

It is true I would rather be cold than hot. I can always put on more clothes. But lets face it there are only so many clothes you can take off before the cops are called. And the cops would be called. I can hear it now. 911 what's your emergency? Please come quick there is a lady running around without her clothes on. I know it is hot but can you please tell her to get dressed!

Oh yeah. Wacky weather.

If it doesn't get cold soon this summer is going to be bad. really.really.bad...

Everyone will be sick since the germs will not be killed off in the winter. And the bees. Can we all say stay under the protective gear. And who knows what else I cannot think of. All I know is when we have an extremely mild winter then summer is a bear. I can't remember if it is overly hot or not but just overall not pretty.

So I say bring on the cold. It doesn't have to snow but if it does all I ask is that it doesn't snow in the streets.

Friday, January 5


Last night we resumed our ice skating classes. I was very happy that the teacher we have now learned as an adult herself. I actually learned as a child but hadn't skated in a bazillion years.

So I am really learning all over again and last night we were doing spins. I got myself so dizzy that I fell. I didn't really fall too hard but I landed square on my knee cap. Now this knee was already in bad shape from my overcompensating from my heel spur and the fact that it got twisted over the weekend from fooling around with J and Belle.

So now it is really in bad shape. But I am determined to get back on my skates next week. Even if it is still hurting.

Belle is doing good in her class as well. I was glad to see that this session there were only 3 girls (including Belle). Maybe she will get some better instruction from her very young teacher. I have been trying to bide my time without really causing a problem. But I have been watching very carefully to see if she learns new things. So far they keep learning the same thing over and over and over again. This is now the 3rd session there should be some progression from the 1st session. Plus I have seen Belle getting off the ice and I have had to go get her before her teacher would even notice. That is not good in my eyes. I feel if it is too much for her teacher to keep track and teach all of these little kids then she should have help. But we shall see how it goes this time.

Maybe if I could lose some weight my skating would be better yet but with my heel and knee problems it has really put a damper on my workouts. I hate being in this catch 22 phase.

Thursday, January 4

Christmas Morning

I am going to be the most embarrassing mom one of these days but as long as she will let me I am going to take a picture of Belle when she wakes up in her bed on Christmas morning and then video tape her walking down the stairs to see the Christmas tree. This year she came down and looked and proclaimed that Santa had not come. All those presents were the wrapping paper we had and not Santa's. I told her to look a little closer because I didn't have the light green princess wrapping paper. She went over and looked at it a little closer. Then said that was my paper. So we went back a forth a few times about the wrapping paper.

Then it dawned on her to look at the dining room table. That is where we carefully picked out cookies and put them on a plate with a glass of milk for Santa.

She looked at them and then her whole face lit up as she said, "He did come! He really did! You can always tell by the cookies if Santa was there or not!"

I better not ever forget to drink some of the milk so the glass looks like it was used (I pour out the rest so it doesn't sit out all night but I DO NOT rinse the glass) and to make it look like the cookies were eaten. I usually leave some crumbs or half cookies because even Santa can only eat so many.

It was the cutest thing ever. Well maybe not ever but it was cute.

Then after she opened her gifts and had to play her keyboard we have her on video singing All I want for Christmas is a Hippopotamus. Now that was the cutest ever. No crocodiles. Or rissasaurasusss.

Too funny....

Tuesday, January 2

Happy New Year

What do I wish for this new year? I am not sure. Probably my good ole standbys of health and wealth for myself and all those I care about. I am not big on making formal new years resolutions. Not many people ever stick to them.

This year brings so many changes to my life. My daughter will start Kindergarten in the fall. I need to sign her up next week. She will no longer be going to my sister-in-laws everyday. I will need to look into what to do with her on the days the schools are closed. She is growing up so fast. I am really struggling with her turning 5. It seems so silly but I just can't get over it. I am very happy and grateful that she is growing up. But I am just so sad too. She still needs me and loves me unconditionally. But those days are numbered. It will truly break my heart the day she says, "I hate you" and really means it at that moment. I really need to get over it but I just can't. Not yet....

I also get very depressed when it is time to take down the Christmas lights and tree. We did that yesterday. Everything just seems especially stark and grey for the rest of the winter. I wonder if it would seem the same if it were always sunny and warm year round.

Humph.......(big big big sigh)