Blue

Have you ever felt like you are all alone? Felt betrayed? Felt depressed? Felt guilty? Felt like you are not yourself? Felt generally blue?

That is how I have been feeling. I can't shake this funk I seem to be in. I know a lot has to do with work but that is not something that I can change right now.

I work in an environment that is mostly women. And the women in power have no kids. I think that speaks volumes. They seem empathetic to the working moms but I don't think they really get it. They don't understand what it means to have someone else's life completely in your hands. To be responsible for that little person's every need/move. To daily be told to just ask my boss if I can stay home another day with her. To have someone cry because all they want is for their mommy to stay with them so they don't have to go to someone else's house to be watched. To have this little person grow up so quickly that you are so unsure of your future and how life will be when she doesn't worship the ground you walk on. To love someone truly more than life itself. To say you would die so that this little person could live and really mean it. Until you are a mom you really can't fully understand this. You can logically think that but you cannot feel it.

You would think that a bunch of women could get along. You would think that they wouldn't stab you in the back every chance they can. You would think that people could mind their own business and stop making up stories that they believe to be true. You see I don't partake in those activities therefore I am somewhat an outsider even in my own department. I have been in this department for just about 7 years. You would think I would have made a close friend by now. Sadly every time I try to trust someone they turn around and stab me in the back. I am really struggling with it right now. I know I will get over it and move on but each time it happens it takes a little bit more of me. I don't talk too much about my personal life. I will talk about Belle some but not really about the stuff that matters. I don't want these people to know anything more about me. I now feel that any little detail about my life will at some point be used against me. That is a very lonely feeling. For example, if they knew that my husband picks up Belle usually then they could change my hours on me without me having an excuse. I have been accused of being sneaky because I went out to lunch instead of staying at my desk. That came from the person who called another co-worker to open her office door and turn on her fountain so that it would look like she was in already and not just leaving her house. I think people feel this need to hurt me because they don't understand me so I am an easy target. And because I refuse to kiss any one's ass or tattle on others I am not high on the favorite list. I think my boss likes me well enough but I wouldn't be on the keep list if she were Willamina from the Ugly TV show.

I am just tired. So very tired of living life like I am in junior high school. I am a fairly easy going person so I am able to still get along. It is just days like this that bring me down. I am just so done with most of these people. I can't be the fake two faced person they want me to be. I just can't do it. I just need to remember that the reason I work is not for this career but for my family. I am truly happiest when I have a day off.

I don't share these thoughts and feelings with my hubby since he can't understand. And all it would do is to make him paranoid that I am losing my job. Which is so not the case as these are mainly my issues and no one knows I feel this way.

I will climb out. It will just take me some time.