Anxiety

The verdict is in.......

I am having Lasik surgery on Friday. Tomorrow. Oh my...

I know I am making a volcano out of a small nugget of lava rock but it is scary. Like the molten lava chasing me trying to swallow me up. These are my eyes after all.

I remember back when I was in 9th grade. I thought I was so cool. WHAT!! I was wacked. I had such a warped sense of who I was back then. It feels like that was another person and I didn't really have a childhood. I think of the things I used to do and wonder who was that person. I am not sure how I became the woman (how did that happen) that I am.

I hear people talk of their childhoods and I don't feel that. I don't remember much. Just a few scattered memories from elementary school. I didn't have many friends. I don't really know why. I know I went to one school through 3rd grade. When my mother remarried and we moved to another city I started a new elementary school for 4th -6th grades.

I remember from my first school that I had a couple of friends (don't ask me their names) and that I was excited to get a certain teacher for 4th grade but we moved before I got that teacher (have no idea who that was now or if male or female or alien).

I remember my new school and the kids picking on me. I was a little chunky at that age and nobody really liked me. One big girl (at least I remember her bigger than me but who knows if she really was) tried to protect me but that didn't last through 6th grade. I am not sure how that fell to the wayside.

I do remember being able to jump rope really well. Even in my clogs.
Oh my clogs. I loved them more than anything. I was "grown" up and they had a high wedge heel. I wasn't allowed to get the ones that weren't a wedge. I wore them everywhere. They truly were the best thing ever!

What I remember most about my childhood is staying at my grandparents house. ALL THE TIME. I loved it there and those are really my fondest memories. My grandfather telling us we should make chocolate chip cookies and then leaving my grandmother and I to bake them. My grandmother gently rubbing my eyelids as I lay in the yellow daisy bedroom until I would fall asleep. Loving the velvety touch to the wallpaper in the dining room. Loving when my grandmother would vacuum the formal living room and the carpet would make stripes from the vacuum. Running around their house. Hiding in the crawl space in the basement. My grandmother telling anyone and everyone to leave me alone if I did something wrong. Truly being loved unconditionally by them. Sniff.Sniff.Sniff. Fighting back the tears as I write this because I miss her so much. Never really feeling that again after she passed away 14 years ago. Ok, I must get back to other childhood memories before I am crying my eyes out.

I remember going to the middle school and somehow making friends. I was never one of the popular girls but was able to get along with most cliques. I think part of my dorkness was that I was tall and developed ahead of other girls. Granted that all came to a screeching halt and I went from being one of the taller kids in the class to one of the shortest ones.

In middle school I had a "boyfriend" who wanted me to go to the dance. So we did and I was mortified at the time for the slow dance because he was shorter than I was. I hid in the bathroom until someone made me come out. That relationship only lasted 2 weeks. But we remained friends all the way through high school. Well, until he got a girlfriend that didn't like me being friends with him since we dated. I guess at that age the 2 weeks really counted. I still feel weird if I am taller than a man. Good thing my husband has 2 inches on me if he would only stand up straight.

I remember art class in junior high. I wasn't very good at it but I really liked the class. I also remember English class because of my teacher Mr. Fritch. I loved purple. It was my favorite color. His too. I sat in the front and was one of the best students in the class. I was always getting extra attention from him. By this time I was very thin and but probably still dorky. He used to use markers a lot and would get grape scented purple markers that he would always let me smell. I never thought it strange or weird. He was just my really cool teacher. And although extremely strange and weird to analyze now he will always be my cool teacher. As a side note, when we were in high school he ended up marrying a girl who was only a couple years older than me which we thought was scandalous at the time but not so much now.

At the time you don't think your teachers are only in their 20's. Most weren't but there were some young ones. Like the basketball coach. He was dreamy. He even asked me to play but I was too chicken. Plus the whole being short thing by then.

I was relatively a good kid. I didn't get into too much trouble. But I did start to drink alcohol in high school. Ok. Not IN high school but during my high school years. We would get drunk before dances at the local boys high school. We would sneak out at night to hang out at Dominos. Until my dad ended up getting a job there. Then there went that fun spot to flirt with the cute guy who worked at night. The local gang type guys looked out for me on the strip (a main road near my house where they hung out). I liked one of them and he took good care of me and wouldn't let me around anything bad. So even though they had a bad reputation I never really saw it. I had a crush on him but I think he knew better than to go there with me.

I did cut classes in high school quite a bit in my junior an senior year. The dynamics in my school changed drastically from my freshman year to the time I graduated and I just couldn't stand to be there. My dad got me out of detention once which was very cool of him. Saying he knew I wasn't going to be in class.

I basically hung out with the same set of friends, 1 girl and about 4 boys. Elaina and I were best friends through junior high and high school. But after that we kind of drifted apart. She had separate friends from the restaurant she worked at and I had mine from working at McDonalds. Our mothers were then best friends for many years after that. They probably still keep in touch. We both had serious boyfriends in high school. She was the first to "lose IT". I was so jealous. I was 17 when that happened and it was with my boyfriend of 2 years. He was a year older than I was and after I graduated he broke up with me. Although I don't blame him. I would have too. I was a flirt and had a couple of harmless kisses with others. It was for the best. I often wonder what happened to Bob. People thought I went out with him for his car because he wasn't the best looking guy. He had my all time favorite car in the world. A 65 mustang. It was a great car. But he was sweet and nice to me and I needed that. I hope he is well, married, and loving life. As a funny side note, his parents once caught us in the act. Boy was that embarrassing....

I don't remember being cold or hot on any day. I do remember walking to a school dance at the boys high school in just a pair of flats through the snow and thinking that wasn't bad at all. I was popular with the boys there. Partly because I worked with many of them but also because I used to be fun back then. I would just have fun. No pressure for anyone. Just hanging out dancing, talking, laughing, and who knows what else.

I tried to go to a local college after I graduated but that ended after a couple of quarters since I was also trying to work full time and just didn't have time. I still believe if I had been allowed to go away to college I would have finished. I wish I would have finished. But oh well. Sometimes I think it would be nice to get my degree now but in reality I know I don't have the desire to put in the necessary time at this point in my life. I would just want to be home with my daughter.

I wonder who was this salad eating, working out, loving life-(sort of) girl who knew how to have fun and was fun to be around. Who knew how to win at any water fight. Who could outrun the boys chasing her. Whose little sister always wanted to hang around and thought she was cool. Maybe she was cool at the time.

Where did she go?