Sunday - What a Day You Were

Boy am I glad Sunday is over.

What a crazy day for me.  More so than I tried to show but I think I failed to hide my issues.

Let me set the stage...

I agreed to babysit my nearly 9 month old twin nieces a while ago and forgot all about it.  I was reminded about a week or so ago thankfully.  It was the day of our parish picnic.  We were also going to be going to a later mass which meant bringing the babies with us. 

All the places it went wrong...
If I had it to do all over again I would have gone to an early mass sans babies.  They were fine for about the 1st half hour then the oldest decided it was time to scream or talk loudly.  They were mostly happy screams but still very loud.  I walked out with her twice.  She also decided it was a great time to puke all over me, the seat, and the floor during the gospel which meant I missed most of the homily cleaning us up in the bathroom.  Bummer.  Sure wish they were recorded so I could hear the parts I missed but that is another story.

Then we go to the picnic.  It is super hot but we settled in the cafeteria to feed the babies and then us.  I was not too hot at that point.  Until....

My first boyfriend ever.  My "first" ever sat at the table next to us with his family.  All of a sudden I recognized him and I hope and pray he didn't recognize me for oh so many reasons.  I was a nervous wreck already but now my fate was sealed.  And then Father sat next to me which was great but just added to me being self conscious about melting in my seat.  When my nerves get going beyond control my face gets all sweaty and the more I worry about it the worse it is.  Plus it was humid so I could feel my hair curling into a crazy mess which only added to my breakdown.  UGH!

I tried to maintain my composure and I even tried to have some sort of coherent conversation but I fear people could see through me that something was up.  I fed the babies and tried to take care of them.  I didn't eat very much either.

Then we went outside for the face painting, balloon clown, and kids games.  I walked the track for about 20 minutes or more while my daughter got her face painted and a balloon turtle.  The babies were quiet while I walked but again my first bf was at the kids games.  Go away already is all I could think.

We finally leave only to have the babies fall asleep in the car even though I needed to change diapers and get them cleaned up before their parents got back.  That didn't work out either.  They were waiting for us in our driveway and saw what a sad state we all looked like. 

Sunday, you are one day I am glad is over.

For Today

I am feeling Happy As A Clam today. 

Which got me thinking what does that mean.  I of course headed straight to my friend,

Google, for the answer.

And what I found out is that this saying started because an open clam looks like it is smiling.  The original phrase was Happy As A Clam At High Tide.  Clams would be the happiest during high tide since they cannot be dug up and eaten by humans or predators during high tide.  I guess that would make me pretty happy if I were a clam. ge

Keeping it Real

The church often teaches us how we should behave, what our opinion should be in regards to moral ethics, etc.  For example it is wrong to get a divorce.  It is wrong to have conflict within your family.  Granted I am turning these issues into absolutes which isn't really what we are taught.

But for my story it shapes what I think about Christian values.  I feel like we should all be able to get along but reality is we don't.  I feel like people get divorced way too easy and shouldn't always take that easy way out but reality is different.  I don't believe abortion is ok but reality is I can understand why it is legal even though I personally think that should not be a form of birth control.

I can apply each of these values to my own family.  If I did there wouldn't be people I don't really speak to, there would only be happy marriages, and I would have a few more nieces or nephews.  But the reality is I don't speak to a couple members of my family and can't really see that changing anytime soon.  I would love for a member of my family to get a divorce even though it will be the hardest thing for her to go through.  But her current situation is not good for anyone especially her and her kids. 

I am the type of person who likes to fix things or help others and most of these situations are out of my control.  Sometimes I feel like I am a bad Catholic since I can not seem to let go of what has hurt me.  I think I have forgiven but it is more I refuse to put myself back in that same situation again.  Nothing has changed with the people I don't speak to and I can't go back to being a part of lives that have a negative effect on me.

I don't tell "people" about all of this.  Not even my husband too much since he doesn't really like to talk about it.  Or acts like he doesn't.  He knows enough about it but not how my heart feels about it all.  I feel guilty at times but my head sets my heart straight. 

My grandfather knew the reasons why I don't speak to my mother or youngest sister and he understood and stood by me.  He never judged me poorly and loved me unconditionally.  He even agreed with me but he still felt bad since this was his daughter we were talking about after all.  He passed away in Feb and I miss him terribly.  This month he would have been 97. 

This month has been difficult for me with a family reunion where my grandfathers presence was incredibly missed and then what would have been his birthday.  Add my mothers poor timing to phone harass me and I haven't had it easy.  I would be fine all day but then it would hit me after everyone went to sleep and I was the only one still up and alone.  I was feeling better this past week but I have made slip ups and shared some of my problems with Fr. (no real details, just generalizations) and another woman during a conversation that ended up hitting too close to home.  He spoke a bit about reconciliation in this weeks homily and requested all of us to see the positive in life and not just the negative.  I have since apologized to him for letting my problems slip out which he of course graciously said was not necessary.  But then offered to talk about it all if I ever want to.  I may take him up on that someday.  I don't know if I can right now. 

I know in my head and my heart that I am a pretty happy person.  I have so many blessings.  Life could be sooooo much worse.  For that I am thankful.  I count the blessings of having our parish and priest as some of the best coping mechanisms a person can find.

Bible Reading and Other Stuff

I haven't gotten back to reading more of the bible since my last post on it.


I think I still want to continue but I haven't felt that motivation in awhile. I think since I was at an uninteresting part that seemed to drag on and on it tempered my enthusiasm for it.

I like the idea that if you go to mass and read the daily readings every day after 3 years you will have read the bible. On the other hand I like when I hear or see a reading that I have already read and can put that into context of where it is in the bible.

Maybe I will just decide to take a break and start back up again when the weather is much cooler and I don't feel like I want to be out and about doing things.

I have still been busy volunteering which is taking up a lot of my time but I love it.  For them it is work simply because that is where their jobs are but for me it is my choice to be there and do things.  I can see now why people who are lucky enough to do what they love can view it as fun and not a job. 

It has been hotter than hot around these parts which makes me a little crabby if I have to spend too much time outdoors so tomorrow promises to be super fun(bathed in sarcasm).  We are going to some safari type thing an hour and a half from home to try to see and feed animals in 92 degree hot and humid weather.  Then sit outside and picnic in the hot smelly place.  Fun, right!?  I have to try to not complain otherwise they may try to feed me to the animals.  :-)
I just hope the animals try to venture out of the shade so we can see something close. 

What are you doing this weekend?

Investigation

There have been many church closings and mergers in our area.  It has been a long and difficult road for many many people.

Everyone has been impacted in one way or another. 

Everyone from parishioners, school children, pastors, church staff members, communities, everyone.

But we must move forward.  We must find a way to keep our faith and find a new way.  A new home.

And we have been trying to do just that.  For the past 18 months we have been trying to figure out who we are as this new parish.  I was lucky enough that the building where I have always gone to mass is still open but that is the only thing that remained the same.  The staff only has 1 member left from prior to the merger of our 2 parishes.  The pastor is different.  And change is hard.

But the only constant in life is change.  Sometimes we want to fight it so hard and refuse to see any good in the change.  For me some of the changes have been harder than others. 

But I love the new pastor and some of the staff as well.  I have hope and faith that we will find our new way and it will be better.  We have the choice to make it better if we choose to have faith.

There have been people who have written to the Vatican because they are so unhappy with these changes.  They have started petitions against the new pastor when none of this was his fault.  The pastors too are doing the best they can.  There are people who are refusing to move forward.  So now there is an investigation into these changes made by our bishop.  And I worry some things may change back.  And I don't want to go back.  I like where we are headed. 

While some of these changes have been difficult, I feel very blessed to receive them.  So I pray...

Is it Me??

In trying to live my motto I am trying to do more of the things you should do even when you don't want to. 

For example, I used to be really good at sending cards to people for what ever reason.  And even sometimes just because.  Recently there has been a man who was on the RCIA team when we went through it that has been really sick.  We have now send him 2 cards over the past couple months.  Just a nice little something to let him know we hope he is doing ok. 

Another example, we went to a wake for another RCIA member whose niece passed away.  We don't really know them extremely well but we went anyway.  We only stayed a few minutes but we did the nice good thing.

Ever since my grandfather passed away in February it is extremely difficult for me to be at funerals, wakes, memorials, etc.  But I am committed to my motto and therefore I have been going anyway.  Even when it makes me feel like I can't breathe.

This past week Father's aunt passed away.  I verbally told him I was sorry.  I left a card in his office for him and his family.  And when I found out the funeral mass was only 3 miles from my work I got a co-worker to go with me as our lunch hour.  There was a handful of other people from our parish there but not too many.  It could have to do with the location of the church where the funeral was held but I don't know.  He presided over the mass and everything.  He seemed genuinely surprised and happy to see me when I went for communion and told me thanks after.  For me it wasn't much out of my day to do the nice, right thing.  But I have to admit I was surprised by who was not there.  There were members of the staff that were not there.  To me that is disrespectful.  Not only is he their boss but they work for the church.  They should demonstrate an ever higher moral character and stand as the examples.  The only way I feel it would be ok for them not to be there is if he specifically asked them to stay behind at the rectory or there was an event pre-planned.  Otherwise I think it is wrong.

Which begs the question of Is it me????  Or am I wrong?

Sometimes People....

Did you ever notice that when you are happy there are people who don't like that? 

Or people who can take something pure and innocent and twist it until it looks ugly?

I just don't get that.  I do get when people are just trying to poke fun at you for something but that is the extent it.

But to act jealous of time spent at the church/rectory?  Really!! 

What would you rather I do?  I am not here to be at your beck and call.  Especially since you are not trying to do anything with us.  When during the week all you want is your dinner and to sit and watch TV and go to bed before 8pm. 

Just because I am trying to lose weight and actually succeeding a little bit that doesn't have anything to do with my interactions with certain people.  And now that others know about this fact don't throw it in my face.  This is why I didn't tell some people about my trying to lose weight in the first place.  They can be too judgemental.  I should be able to tell others anything and everything but they make it so difficult sometimes.

I don't plan on changing anything I am doing.  Others will have to learn to accept it or join in because what I am doing is good and helpful and doesn't take away from others.

I am going to keep to my personal motto of Do More, Be More; Do Better, Be Better.

(Sorry for a bit of code in this but I was trying to not call out certain people just in case.  Not that most of my real life people even know about this little blog anyway.)

Volunteering

Have you ever done something expecting nothing in return? 

But got everything in return?

That is how I am feeling about helping our church. 

I want to do more and more and I want nothing in return.

One thing I am gaining is new friends.  And people I genuinely like.  People I would love to just sit around, talk to and get to know better.

We did a little bit of that talking yesterday and I had so much fun!!!!

And more than anything I am gaining some pure undiluted joy!

Worlds Collide

Let's just say I don't look like I did when I was in high school.  While I probably never would have said I looked great I can definitely say I looked wayyyyy better then.  Now I need to lose some weight and I look older (obviously). 

I didn't really keep in touch with anyone from that time in my life.  I wasn't exactly an angel back then.  I drank, stayed out all night, snuck out of the house, and generally just liked to have a lot of fun.  By today's standards of a bad kid I was nothing.  And really I didn't get into any trouble but those that hung out with me knew.

Over the past year or maybe not quite that long, I have been seeing this man at church.  One day it dawned on me who he was.  He is someone who was part of our "group" that worked, went out drinking and dancing, and stayed out all night with us.  He went to an all boys catholic school as did my then boyfriend who also worked with us.  We all hung out every weekend.  I have also seen my high school boyfriend's mom at church on occasion.  I think they are now at our parish after the mergers took place because I never remember seeing them before.

And I have kept my mouth shut.  I have not said hello or anything.  For me it is too embarrassing since I do not look good as well as the fact that we were a bit crazy back then and now we are coming into contact at church no less.

Since I have been doing work at the rectory Fr. had to pass my name to this man so he can forward me information from the council that needs to be posted to the website.  Now that we have to deal directly with each other I felt I better fess up.  So I did via email yesterday.  He has not noticed me nor do I think he would recognize me.  But he wants me to say hello one day at mass.  I am hoping he is not still friends with my then boyfriend because that would just be too much.

How do I get myself into these situations.....   :-)

Taking a Moment

Sorry, taking a moment. 

I came down with a cold and this is a crazy busy week for me so I am taking a moment before posting again next week.

Prayers Answered

Did you ever pray for something and either feel like your prayers were answered or ignored?

There are so many things I pray for on a daily basis.  From general things like, "please God, keep me and my family healthy" to specific things like, "please God, let the air conditioning be working today".

Of course there is always the, "please God, let me win enough money on the lottery to not have to work".

But for every please God request I always send up a "thank you God for always answering my prayers and taking care of me". 

While he hasn't granted the lottery request, he does seem to answer all of my other prayers.  Not always exactly when I want them to happen such as the prayer for my sister to get pregnant. 

But they are always answered in God's time.

This Week's Homily

God works in mysterious ways. 

And I heard him loud and clear at mass yesterday.

Father said many things during his homily yesterday but there were portions that seemed as if he was talking directly to me.  While he didn't know what I was struggling with last week it was as if he did.  So strange and freaky.  Funny thing is this isn't the first time this has happened.

He was talking about how we need to turn the other cheek.  And how sometimes we need to do it more than once.  And how we all have the ability to respond with kindness even when it may not be deserved.  He talked about being the better person.

Was that tailor made for me or what.  lol

So I will be the better person and not say a word to this other person.  I may not have the respect for her she thinks I have but she will not know that fact.  I will go with the rule if I don't have anything nice to say I won't say anything at all.

Good Christian

I am struggling to be a good Christian today.  I am really really trying to be the better person but it is really hard.

You see when one of the most important people in my life passed away in Feb. I was very sad.  I am very sad.  It was and still is extremely difficult for me to talk about my grandfather being gone.  Even writing this now I want to cry and not believe that he is actually gone. 

We have a typical way of knowing when a loved one of a co-worker passes away around work.  Usually an email will be sent to the department and that person's address given in case anyone wants to send a card.  I found out when I returned to work after being gone a week that this was not done for me.  Out of 30 people maybe only 4 knew what happened.  My team leader didn't feel the need to share this information with the department.  That hurt.  She also felt it was appropriate to not inquire with me when the funeral arrangements were.  Again that hurt that she cared so little.  But the kicker was she kept text messaging me about work all week, including while I was at the funeral.  That was annoying.  It was so hypocritical.  When her brother passed away a couple years ago I went to the funeral on a Saturday.  Yet she couldn't be bothered to make an appearance at my grandfather's which was right around the corner from our office on a weekday.  She could have literally walked there if she wanted to.  Needless to say all of this still hurts.

Now another member of our team had her mother-in-law pass away this week.  And all my team leader keeps doing is harassing me to find out the details so she can share with everyone.  And emailing this woman about work.  All I want to do is scream.  I want to tell her how rude that is for all of the reasons above and the last thing one of us wants to be doing is answering her emails/texts while planning and attending a funeral of a loved one.  But I can't say that to her because I don't want to take anything away from my friend's mother-in-laws funeral and grieving. 

So I am struggling to be the better person and just keep my mouth shut.  Wish me luck.

Long Weekend

This was a beautiful long holiday weekend. 

Now I need to get back to my regularly scheduled activities and responsibilities.  As if they ever stop anyway.  :-)

Did anyone catch the Glenn Beck show yesterday with the Nielson family of NieNieDialogues blog?  They are just the cutest couple ever.

This Week

This has been a crazy week and it is only Wednesday. 

First the world was going to end but thankfully didn't. 

Then I heard another story about praying the g-y away which was using references from Exodus. 

So many bible references that seem so misguided.  I guess you can read anything and put your own spin on it.  But I don't think these stories are helping us catholics in any way.

Then I look and sound a bit like an idiot for a few minutes Monday evening at the rectory.  I should have known better than to rush to get there and expect my thoughts to make any sense before I take a moment to breath.  And then the more I couldn't think the more my nerves got the better of me.  Plus it was very humid out which is never good for my psyche or my curly hair.  All in all it was ugly for about 10 minutes before I gave up and went to my official meeting.  There I relaxed and sounded more intelligent anyway.

There have been big attitudes at my house.  I am tired of someone being mad at me for volunteering.  For me not being there at his beck and call for a few hours a week.  What makes it really ridiculous is when I get home it isn't like they really needed anything.  They should be able to handle a few hours on their own.  I don't care too much that he doesn't like me spending time on other things because he is gone just about every Saturday 9 months out of the year.  I just needed to get this out so I can let it go this week.

I am stressing a bit about the summer.  And child care.  It is set up with my sister-in-law and nieces but it is never easy.

I am also sad about Sister and the other woman leaving our church this week.

I am frustrated with the situation my sister finds herself in and the fact that I can't really fix it.  No one can but her and her husband.  If he would ever grow up.

I didn't mean for this to turn into such a venting post but I guess I am kind of crabby and I don't like when I am like that.  So hopefully after putting this all out there I can move on.  I just hope we don't have a guest priest this Sunday.  I need our Father's mass to put me right back in the correct frame of mind.

Quick Funny

Last Sunday's mass had the following line within the gospel reading.

So Jesus said again, “Amen, amen, I say to you,
I am the gate for the sheep.

So what does my husband do?  He leans over to me and says, "I am the gatekeeper."
 
To which I responded (at the end of the reading), " I am the keymaster."
 
Do you know what that is from?

Office Politics

At work I stay out of the office politics as much as I possibly can.  I stay at my desk and mind my own business.  For the most part this has served me well. 

I just don't like all the drama and backstabbing that can sometimes occur or just miscommunications and misunderstandings in the office environment.

I guess this is true even of the church "office".  So far it has been fine.  But there was something that happened yesterday that makes me feel the need to clear the air with my policy of not getting involved in their politics. 

I have specific projects I am working on.  A couple require me to work with the staff because I need either info for the website or work for the volunteers.  I think some people may have mistook my helping them think of ideas/solutions for their process (they asked me about it) as me willing to take it over.  I had to reassure Father via voicemail that I am still focused only on the items he and I discussed.  That I was simply trying to give them ideas they can use.  I am glad he isn't going to allow them to dump too much on me.  Previously I told him that I would always be honest with him regarding what I can and can't do due to knowledge or time constraints.  So I also stated that again and told him that I honestly couldn't take on another large project at this point even if I wanted to so rest assured.  I just hope he is reassured of my focus.  He already knows I need to meet with him again soon so hopefully we can get together next week so I can move forward on our projects.

Personal Motto(s)

I have tried to have a different personal motto(s) through the years.  Recently I would always say this year will be health and wealth.  In my mind it translated into be healthier, lose weight, exercise, save more money, spend less, etc.

I guess while in little ways those things happened, I never felt satisfied in any results.  I still need to do all of those things.

So after my confirmation I started to rethink this approach. 

I now have a new motto.

Do More - Be More

Or in other words Do Better - Be Better.

What it means to me is I am volunteering, trying to lose weight and generally be healthier, trying to mainly purchase things we need, spend more time with family, stressing less, being more joyful, and so much more.

And you know what?  It seems to be working. 

I love my new motto.

Allergist

This has nothing to do with church but I did say I would throw in other "stuff" every now and again. 

I am taking my daughter to an allergist today.  For the past 2 weeks she has broken out in a red splotchy spotted looking rash mainly on any areas of her skin that were exposed.  I believe at this point the main reason is due to a company treating grass in our area including the kids soccer field.  The timing of all of this is too coincidental to the treatments.  Plus we heard of another kid who broke out after soccer.

Of course with all of the rain we have been having she hasn't been outside so it is gone now. 

We need to get to the bottom of what is going on.  She will feel better too.  She was so self conscious she was wearing long sleeves or jackets even on the couple days it was actually warm.

She is nervous about the appointment, though, which breaks my heart.

***Update***
Allergist really thinks at this point it was due to a virus based on what we told him and the questions he asked us.  He said it would have seemed to get worse because she was exerting herself.  It just so happened that she was exercising (through soccer or running around at recess) outside.  When you have any sort of rash and increase your core temperature it will make the rash worse.  It all made sense.  But based on history of kidney issues from strep he tested her for strep just to make sure that isn't the culprit.   A lot of times she does not show any symptoms of an illness.  All in all a good appointment.  No testing other than the throat culture were needed at this point so that was good.  I have to call and talk to him in a week so he can make sure she is still ok.  Plus if it becomes a recurring issue (which he doesn't think it will but you never know) he will re-evaluate.

***Updated Update***
Guess who tested positive for strep?!  This child of mine is going to make me crazy.  How am I supposed to know when she gets it?  I don't like this waiting until some random side effect of having strep for too long shows up.  She is now on antibiotics and hopefully we caught it before it affected her kidneys again.  She probably has had it for over a month with not one little symptom.  No runny nose, stuffiness, fever, sore throat, fatigue, anything.

Kind of Funny

This proved to be another church filled weekend. 

We had 2 1st Communion masses yesterday.  One of which was at our church.  Then we went to our regular mass this morning.

One of the songs played is Table of Plenty.  One of my daughter's favorite church songs.  I actually like it also.

Then sometime this afternoon she starts singing part of it to me and asks me if it is stuck in my head too.  It wasn't at that point but it has been ever since then.

But the funny thing is I friended a different local church to see how they handle their facebook account and their post is a line from the song. 

"This day is made by the Lord, let us rejoice let us be glad....."