Paranoid

I try not to watch the news. It only disturbs me to my core more often than not.

This weekend I heard the headlines that there were two boys found alive after having gone missing. The one was gone for years.

These boys have been returned to their respectful families who are simply put overjoyed. I would be too if I was those families.

Although I often wonder if I could survive if something unspeakable were to happen to my daughter. I think I would become useless and die of a broken heart. I would like to think I am stronger than that but I fear I am not. I would be living out those moments in my head and trying to conjure up the image of what she would be going through. As I type this it makes my heart skip a beat and my hands shaky. My imagination would be worse than anything real (I hope).

Years ago as a teenager I was in a car accident. I was driving along the freeway minding my own business when a car tried to pass another car in the high speed lane by going into the burm. They lost control and swerved across several lanes of traffic to hit me dead on the driver's side door. It pushed my little camero into the next lane. I pulled over to figure out what happened and realized that the car that hit me was still driving. I thought to myself, Hell no! There was no way I was going to let them get away. I put it into drive and sped after them. They hit a few other cars as they sped along but I kept up and got behind them. I stayed there long enough to get the license plate number. I chanted that number all the way to my house. My parents came running out to find out what happened as I tried to pry myself out of the car on the passenger side. And all I could say was to call the police. I ran inside and wrote down the number before I could forget it. The police came and took the report. They said they had other reports of a hit and run driver on the loose.

This was the end of my camero but it began my fear of strangers and the world. The police ended up catching this guy the next day when he decided to go home. They matched the paint on his car to mine. He of course had no insurance, no job, and no way to pay for the damage he caused. We had to sit in court while the judge questioned him. He got off scot free. But he looked at me directly with his eyes saying I will not forget that you were the one who called the police.

After that I always felt that there was someone watching my house. My address was on the police report as was his. He may have never even thought about tracking me down but the fear was there.

I hated to let the dog out at night. There are too many shadows that I cannot see if anyone is standing there. I hate to be home alone at night. I especially hate to be alone all night.

On most days I can deal with this. But I am still always locking the doors. I am still afraid. I try not to pass this fear on to my daughter but I want her to be somewhat afraid of this world. If anyone is watching Belle I expect them to keep their doors locked as well. Even in the summer and you would have the patio door open. I expect them to close and lock it to go to the bathroom or the basement. Even if only for a minute. Too many kids have been taken from their homes.

In the news report this morning they said that over 1 million children are reported missing every year. That is an awful lot of children. I am sure some run away. Some are returned home unharmed. But what about the rest? My husband questioned this number. He said what happens to all of these kids?

My only reply was to say, "Now you see why I am so paranoid."