How do I trust

How do I trust that the world will be good to my girl?

How do I know it is okay for her to go to a friend's house?

How do I know she will be safe from other adults we learn to know and trust?

How do I know if someone has guns in their house or has a secret fetish?

As I snuggled in her bed with her this morning I couldn't help but think about how my sweet innocent girl is soon going to be out in the world without me and how do I know when it is okay to say go, have fun. How do I know who is truly a good person and who is not.

I know she is safe from damaging adults or adult behaviours in our house. I have always said I want her to have her friends come to our house and not vice versa. But again how do I know.

How do I find the courage to let her go? She is the world to me and I really couldn't honestly say what I would do if the world were to hurt her.

I go back and forth in how much I think about these things. But lately they have been brought to the surface again by a few things.

1st of which is the fact that when her pre-school goes on field trips the drivers are the parents of the kids. I don't "know" these people yet they want me to put my child in someone else's car. I just can't do it and I plan to drive on every field trip. She likes me to go anyway so it works out good. I don't mind taking another kid with us but I don't want her in someone else's car without me. I realize I am a bit paranoid but have I mentioned how much she means to me.

But really the thoughts that I cannot shake lately are about a co-worker who was recently arrested for drugging and raping several little girls as they would sleep over his house with his daughters. He seemed like a normal enough guy. I didn't know him extremely well but others in my department did. There was one lady who felt bad for him having troubles around Christmas time and had considered letting him stay in her house (with her kids there) so he wouldn't be alone. This was before she knew what the charges were. Thankfully she did not do this. He used to have the best Halloween costumes but now they seem extremely disgusting to me as they were always a child theme such as sponge*bob. His story truly turns my stomach. But most importantly it reminds me that you never really fully know someone. He was married with 2 young girls who knew nothing about his behaviours until the arrests. The only reason they caught him was because of the number of nasty downloads he made with one month and the fact that he would video tape his his, well you get the idea.

I am just very scared about the world in which I will need to send my precious little girl out into.

Please world be kind to her.

Still Hanging Around

I am still around. Just so terribly busy. But things are starting to calm down. Except for my husband's money paranoia. He is in full swing. I think now that the holidays are over he starts to think about how much it all costs. Of course it doesn't help that we had to take our van in again to see why it is leaking transmission fluid. That was $336 that we could have used elsewhere. Especially since this was the 3rd time this year we have taken it in.

We also have to come up with $325 by Jan. 8th to register Belle for all day kindergarten. Anyone else care to take a few hundred dollars right now???? Anyone????

Other than that our holiday was great. Belle loved every minute of it. We are still opening toys everyday. I have been off of work for the most part. I had to go in on Wednesday for a half day and am off again until Tuesday. That is nice but I always get a bit depressed after Christmas. I hate to go back to work full time (even though I am thankful to have a job) and leave Belle. I LOVE STAYING HOME AND LONG TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT FULL TIME BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

Belle had a great birthday. I will do a separate post about that. But we all had a great time. J's birthday was OK. We had his here at home. I had gotten him a Star Wars PC game and after he opened it we found you need to have a DVD drive on your computer. He does not. So we had some gift cards and we went and got an external drive. We get the game loaded on the computer and find out we don't have a 3D graphics card. UGH. So the $40 game is costing us an extra $225 before tax just to be able to play it. The drive was $100 and the graphics card will be $125. With the extra expenses of the car that will have to wait. The bad thing is that we couldn't even return the game because it was opened. He will be the first to admit his best gift, though, was a local basketball team's flag. You can't find them anywhere. Not even at the arena gift shop. I was able to find it online and he was very happy with that. The problem finding them is that we need one with grommets for a flag pole and not the banner type. I was way excited for him to open that gift.

Well that is all for tonight.

Quick Post

I will post more about our absolutely great weekend later but I just have to comment on the children I saw at the indoor water park.

I hope I am not completely stereotyping but it looked to me that there were a lot of families that may have adopted. I don't know if I am just more in tune to this since being a part of the bloggy world and having friends who have adopted.

Obviously, I noticed the kids who looked to be of a different nationality than their parents. Again, could be a complete stereotype but I just found myself watching these kids. It was so beautiful to see these kids playing and having a great time where they probably wouldn't have had that opportunity if it hadn't been for their parents adopting them.

It really touched my heart.

Busy Busy Busy

Everyday I feel like I don't have time to sleep. I have so much to do and so little time. And work. Well that just gets in the way. Not that I don't have tons of work to do. Because believe me I do.

I was just looking at the calendar and realized I only have to work 4 more days this year. Which is awesome but also overwhelming. I have too much to get done. And too much that is getting old. But everyday I get something else thrown at me that must be done now. And then my work has to wait. And wait. Which frustrates me since it then makes me look bad. But my goal is to get up to date and have my desk be cleaned off for the new year. If you could see my desk you would understand that is a big goal with only 4 days left to accomplish it.

And for my personal life. We are taking the whole family to an indoor water park this Saturday and Sunday and I have to gather all the food, pack, wash clothes, order food, get everyone directions, and I am sure a million other little things. But.it.will.get.done.so.I.can.enjoy.myself.

This Saturday is Belle's 5th birthday. I can't believe how fast time as gone. Where is my sweet little baby. She has been replaced with a strong willed independent (when she wants to be) high maintenance mostly sweet heart. I try to tell her that I am sweet, daddy is sour, and that she is sweet and sour. She doesn't like my example too much. She then argues that she is NOT sour. That she IS sweet. he he If you notice the sour comes out easily. he he

But I love her more than anything and that is all that really matters.

Must Vent

Last night was my husband's Christmas party. He works for a retail store so they always have to be on a Sunday night so that the store can close at 6pm and they can party at 7pm.

Usually the party goes until about 9pm. Well this year J has to "help". He was supposed to help clean up but since Belle is now in school I asked if he could possibly help set up instead. This wish was granted and all was good.

We get there and we are sitting at our table. And we are sitting. And we are sitting.

They finally serve the food at 8pm. By this time Belle is just starving. And as luck would have it we ended up being at the last table to go get food. We go get our food and we sit back down. We eat.

And then we are just sitting and waiting again. We could leave but they pass out raffle tickets to each employee so we could win a prize. So we wait.

They finally start reading off the raffle tickets and lucky us we won a $25 gift card but we didn't get home until about 10pm.

And the kicker was that the kids gifts were crap. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but they really just wasted their money. Belle got checkers for kids ages 6 and up. She isn't even 5 yet. And another kid younger than her got a 63 piece puzzle. Good grief Charlie Brown. Last year they gave away those color wonder sets. Great. Great. Idea. Maybe that is why this year it seemed so bad. A different person organized it last year. This year's gift choices were coloring books (good), jumbo pencils (scary), puzzles, and checkers. Anyone with kids would agree these sucked.

I am glad we got prizes and gifts. Don't get me wrong. But all in all it was long and boring. And we are going to pay the price today with one very sleepy child who by this evening is bound to be good and crabby.


Edit: After some more thought I think they tried their best. Yes the gifts for the kids were better last year but these really weren't that bad I guess. I think I was just tired and crabby so that is what I am going to go with. I stand by the fact that it went too late for the kids (and they wanted kids there).

Baking

Well so far I have made a few dozen spritz cookies, a few dozen snowball cookies, Gribay cookies which are like a butter type cookie that melt in your mouth (these are an old family recipe), and probably 20 dozen peanut butter with hershey kisses. I have the dough made for the sugar cookies but those will have to wait until later or tomorrow.

I am tired but I am still in the middle of making dinner and then I have to go shopping.

This has been a long day. But that is ok because that is less I have to do the week of Christmas.

Holiday Baking gone wild

I fear that is what is going to happen to us this weekend. I am starting my baking tonight. I am the official cookie maker for many houses.

Don't you dare try to make cookies. My very impressive cookie tray will run your measly poorly baked cookies right to the trash. Fear me lesser cookie trays......

Ok. So I am a dork. That is my new favorite word by the way. Why you may ask. Hmmm. Not really sure. It just is. For now.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. This year I have decided to really let my Belle help me make cookies. I may regret this decision quickly but I am determined to let her help.

I really have unintentionally made others give up trying to bake Christmas cookies. I make spritz, sugar, chocolate chip, m&m, snowballs, peanut blossoms (with the Hershey kisses), gribay, and any other I feel like throwing in. I make many many many dozen of each.

I generally will put together a tray to give to my elderly neighbor next door, my sister's house on Christmas Eve, my sister-in-law's house on Christmas Day, J's work, my work, and whoever else needs a quick gift. And I still have tons left over.

The best part is that once I make all of these I don't really want to eat them. Don't get me wrong I do eat some but I don't crave them like I think I would if I didn't do all of the work.
And if I must say so myself they are usually very yummy. I learned well from my grandma how to bake.

Just don't ask me to cook. I can but I don't like to.

So happy baking to all who bake and to all who bake good night. (can you name the reference even though I changed the words a bit?)

Money Money Come My Way

UGH. I hate talking about money. But I just found out that I need to come up with an extra $400 about by January 8th.

I mean really. January 8th! That is so close to Christmas. I have to do it though. If I want my Belle (name my girl will now be called on this blog) to go to all day kindergarten then I need to come up with this money.

She will be attending a public school but if you want to go for the all day kindergarten you have to pay extra. About $2000 extra for the school year. OUCH!

But I don't have a way for her to get to and from school on a half day schedule. As it is I will still probably need to pay the extra $2 per hour for before and after care at the schools latchkey program. Double OUCH!

My husband is not at all happy with money talk and that is always a stress between us. So I think I will hold off on breaking this news until closer to Christmas. It isn't like we are completely broke but I don't know about others but I don't normally have a spare few hundred dollars laying around burning a hole in my pocket.

UGH.

Fog Lifting

I guess I should come out of my fog. I have thought about a lot of things to blog about but then just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I had read a couple of horror stories about rude people going over the line on other's blogs and just couldn't make myself post anything.

But I think I am going to get back to why I decided to do this in the first place. It is a place for me to put my thoughts. Even if they are random. I got wrapped up in who was reading this and how many and how can I get more people to read and so on and so on.

But really this is for me and hopefully a few nice people will come by and share their comments with me. I do love the comments.

So with our first official serious snowstorm this week I am lifting myself up and getting back to blogging. Boy I got dusty just sitting here.

Sorry

It has been a little while since I posted. I have definitely been slacking. I would think of things I wanted to post. But then I would be busy and unable to get them into words.

So I find myself here on this Monday morning with nothing much to say. I am sure as the day goes on something will click and I will know what should be put in writing to be treasured forever. Well maybe not treasured. Or maybe not forever. But at least for today.

I even missed posting the exact 2 months to Christmas day. More on that later....

Epidemic

I think there is really an epidemic that needs serious consideration. The sad thing is that I don't think the people affected by this terrible disease are even aware they have the disease.

Thankfully I have not been infected. Nor has my family. Well my daughter has had a couple of close calls but hasn't caught it.

On Sunday at a Halloween party hosted by our friend I noticed a few people who were unaware they have been infected. The party was the search for the Great Pumpkin. He had about 100 pumpkins in his front yard and you had to pick one. They were all numbered on the bottom and if you picked the winning number you either won lottery tickets or the Great Pumpkin. And during this search I became quite alarmed at the number of infected people. Luckily, or unluckily, we won the Great Pumpkin this year. Actually Jaclyn won it and it took a wheel barrel to get it to our car. It is rather large. But I get off subject.

Even the host was infected. This disease does not care if you are male or female. It affects both. The host had no idea he was infected. I could tell. But sure enough he had the terrible disease.......Butt Crackitis.

You too could be among those infected. Particularly if you prefer the low rise jeans. You see every time you squat down the back portion opens a bit. And because they are already low all that is exposed is the butt crack.

It is no longer a disease simply for the plumbers. It can now affect any size, shape, gender, and profession. Beware. Take precautions that you too will not become infected.

Halloween Candy

So what to do. What to do with all of that Halloween candy. In the past I tell Jaclyn to pick out maybe 10-15 pieces of candy and the rest we will give to people who weren't able to get candy. Which really means we take it to work and pass it off on the people there.

But I just read the best idea. The Halloween Witch. I love this idea. I will definitely be trying it this year. I will let Jaclyn know that I sent the witch an email to sign us up. I am so excited to tell her about this. I think it is a great idea.

I will have her think of a few things to put on the list and will tell her that I need to email the list to the witch so she can pick the gift she wants to bring.

So say bye bye to all the candy in our house and to be able to do it without protest. Not that she really protested giving away most of her candy to others but still.

What more can I ask for?

I would love to hear any other ideas people may have for different holidays. For example, what about the tooth fairy? Gifts or money?

TGIF

Thank goodness today is Friday. This has seemed like such a long week.

And I have so much to do this weekend that sadly before I know it it will be Monday again.

UGH>

Halloween

Normally I don't dress up for Halloween. We typically will go to a Halloween function that is held in our city and I will dress my daughter. I may thrown on a headband that has some sort of ears. Or I may do the typical black cat and add a tail to my pants, draw whiskers on my face and put on the ears.

There is a picture that has run 2 years in a row in our local newspaper of me painting my daughter's nails with glow in the dark nail polish. She is dressed up like Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) and I have my face painted with whiskers to be my black cat impersonation.

This year I thought we may do something different. My daughter has known since last year what she was going to be so she was easy. But now my husband wants to dress up. And he leaves it to me to think of something good for him to be. And to book I may have to sew it. All by this Sunday possibly. UGH>

I came up with Obi-Wan Kenobi. He thought possibly but he would need to see it. So I purchased the pattern last night. Then he decides that is old and done. He wants to know what else I've got. Well I don't have anything else. So then he wants to know what movies have come out this year. Again, I have no idea. If it is not a kids movie you can forget it.

So I am throwing this out there. Anyone have any great and fairly easy costume ideas?

Sick or Not???

My daughter is sick today. Or is she?

She has been having a rough couple of days with a really bad attitude. So after I talked to her yesterday after work she seems to be a bit happier. She went to bed without too many problems and that was it for the night. She slept soundly until I had to wake her this morning.

But.Then.The.Wining.Began.In.Full.Force.

She was very winey and crying this morning over anything and everything.

I don't like that shirt. I don't want tennis shoes. I can't get my pants up. Wahhhhhh. I hit my ear on the door. And on it went until we left.

Somehow I managed to get her dressed and into the car. But not before another Wahhhhhh. I hit my elbow. Which was right after the Wahhhhhh. I can't see anything (after I turned off the light to leave).

So I should have known the call I would get from my sister in law. Especially after what Jaclyn said in the car on the way there (her throat hurts).

About 15 minutes before she had to be at school my SIL called and said she wasn't sure what she should do. Jaclyn is complaining that her throat hurts, her head hurts, and her tummy hurts. She has been laying around all morning and not constantly asking if it was her turn to go to school.

I talked to Jaclyn and told her that if she is sick she can't go to school and can't play during the day. That she will need to lay around and rest. She said she just wanted to stay on the couch.

Okay.....

I tell my SIL that I guess if she thinks she is really sick that I will call the school and let them know she isn't coming. Because she said her tummy hurt, my SIL didn't try to give her any breakfast so I am wondering if it was hurting from sickness or hurting from hunger as she had been up for a few hours by this time.

My SIL had to run to the store and had to take Jaclyn and her nephew whom I shall nickname badboy or BB for short. He really is a terror and I try very hard not to say that about any child. But he would push me over the edge. Picture my SIL driving with Jaclyn and BB in the back in their car seats. They pass Jaclyn's school and BB asks if she is going to school today. She tells him no because her head kinda hurts. Her tummy kinda hurts. And last but not least that her throat kinda hurts. That she didn't really feel like going to school today because of those things.

Hmmmm.

Did she already learn the art of faking illness? At four?

I really don't think she did but I will certainly be checking out her alibi when I get home. Shortly (5 minutes later) she tells my SIL that she is feeling better.

Hmmmm.

I better get out my spotlight so that I can conduct a proper inquisition. Something seems fishy.

Crafts

I love crafts of all sorts. I haven't really talked about it here. But whenever I have a spare moment I like to make something. I have done so many different projects over the years. Some I have finished. Others not so much.

But in the end I just love crafting.

I am now trying to make items to sell at a craft fair that is held in the cafeteria of my work.

I have made some beaded cuff socks in Christmas colors as well as other everyday colors. My daughter loves these and keeps trying to keep them for herself.

I have also made some fleece hats and I am going to try to make some fleece scarves to match.

I have a few knitted scarves.

I have some beaded bracelets

And I will probably make some pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.

The hardest part is finding the time. But as we sit and watch tv or I am sitting watching Jaclyn's dance class I can knit or bead socks. I have been know to take these things with me to work so that I can do some at lunch time.

I wish I was able to do this to make money for charity. But truth is we could use the extra cash to pay on some bills such as the one for my new eye sight.

I did see this wonderful cause that is knitting socks for adopted children. I think that is such a great idea.

I am trying to instill this love of crafts in my daughter also. I think it would be so much fun for us to create "stuff" together.

In this spirit I am going to really try to turn our spare bedroom into a full fledged craft (and bed) room. It is a little bit now but nothing organized. It is my catch all room and can quickly become a mess. I am trying to change all of this and not spend much money on it at all. I really need to create a room plan and try to carry it out.

Once I take pictures of above items I will post those to give the full visual effect.

I would love to know what sorts of crafty things others do or have done. Anyone care to share?

I am always looking for great organizing and craft ideas. I am obsessed.

Scare Me to Death

Last night was one of our weekly skating lessons. All was going great.

Then with about 5 minutes left my sister in law fell and hit her head on the ice.

They got her off and had her sit in the hockey bench area. They got her ice packs and had her hold them on her big ole goose egg on the back of her head. The lady who runs the rink insisted on calling the paramedic just to be safe she was ok. They didn't want her to drive if she had a concussion or something worse.

My SIL really didn't want to go to the hospital, though. The rink lady told her that they would just come out and check her but that they wouldn't take her unless absolutely necessary.

While we waited for them to show up I took Jaclyn back on the ice for a lap. Once we got all the way around the paramedic were there. So we got off the ice.

There is a concession stand area that has lockers and benches in it that is over slightly from where my SIL was sitting getting her once over. Jaclyn wanted to get a drink of water at the water fountain in the concession area so I let her go in. I could see her through the glass doors as the water fountain is just inside the doors. There are also two sets of doors on either end of the concession stand.

While she was getting her drink of water the paramedic and rink lady called me over to see if I could take her to the hospital because they felt she should really have a doctor check her out just to be safe before she got on a plane. You see she was heading to San Francisco today for a week.
This whole conversation took maybe 2 minutes tops. I look back and......

Jaclyn is gone.

I didn't immediately panic but I started looking for her. I think she couldn't have gotten far. Maybe she sat on one of the benches. Maybe she went back on the ice. Maybe.....

I can't find her. Now I am starting to panic and calling her name. I look in the concession stand area again.

Nothing.

I look on the ice again.

Nothing.

I look over by my SIL again.

Nothing.

Now my heart is racing. Oh my God. Where is she. I am still calling her name and I head for the doors to the outside alcove area that is before the doors that actually go outside.

And then I see her coming back in the doors to the rink area.

She is crying really hard. I scoop her up and hold her tight. She is crying and saying "I couldn't find you, mommy." and I am still just holding her tight telling her that I couldn't find her either. That I was looking all over for her. And all she can keep saying is that she couldn't find me.

Once we were both calmed down and in the car we had a little chat. She had seen my sister and her friend leave and thought I was with them. I reminded her that I would never leave her anywhere and that she is never ever ever ever ever ever to go outside if she can't find me. I reminded her to find someone who works there and tell them that she can't find her mommy. I asked her if she was scared. And she said she was. So I told her to always remember how that felt so that she can always remember to stay right by me.

I pray that this scared her enough to never leave my side in the store again.

As for my SIL, we followed her to the urgent care since she insisted to me that she was ok to drive. The doctor checked her out and said she should be fine and was fine to get on a plane. That the swelling went down a little while she was there with the ice on her head. And that it was a good thing she didn't hit head first.

So all is well again but I am still freaked out.

I don't know what I would do if something ever happened to my daughter. I just don't know....

Soccer Dad

There are people who would never win an award for their patience. On some days that is me but most days I can deal with whatever is going on. On most days that would be my dh. Add a competitive sport in the mix and you can forgetaboutit.

My daughter plays soccer. She played for the 6 week spring session and now she has played the 6 week fall session.

She has greatly improved in just those 2 sessions.

Last spring she had a female coach who didn't know anything about the game and didn't really teach the kids too well. I give her credit for stepping up to coach, though. She did it because the league was short coaches, therefore she stepped up to the plate or rather the line. I don't like to criticize her because of this. But even then my husband would get so upset with Jaclyn because she wouldn't fully pay attention to the game. A few times when she tried to get the ball she would get pushed down. Or hurt. And she would come to me crying. But she would still try. Give her a break away and she would score a goal just about every time. There was one game she scored 5 goals alone.

Crying is not an option.

Being 4 is not an option.

So now in this fall session she had a really good coach and was getting in there. Trying to get the ball more. She isn't scoring as much as she did in the spring because there are other kids who are older who are better at the game. The league is for under 6 (including 6). She is still 4. Some kids have been playing for 3 years. This is still really her first year.

Lack of experience is not an option.

But she can run fast. And again given the break away she will try to score. She probably only scored 5 goals this whole session. But she tried. She didn't cry once. But also didn't have a need to cry.

Other than the constant pressure when Dad was there. I feel bad for her. She needs to learn how to love a sport before she can excel in it. She loves to dance. She loves her ice skating. I think she could love soccer but I also think if the pressure continues she will learn to hate it.

I yell from the side lines also but mostly things trying to get her to run or go get it. My tone of voice is encouraging. Not like his voice. He doesn't understand. He would be mad if he knew I put this out there. But I need to get it out.

This fall there was a girl on her team that was given $1 for every goal she scores from her grandpa. Ok. Good incentive. And she fights for it. Even with her own team. So of course my husband thought what a great idea. Luckily, he asked me what I thought about it first. I told him I didn't like it so much. It doesn't promote team play in a team sport. It promotes personal gain above all else. I would much rather give her an incentive for playing her hardest. Trying her hardest no matter if she scores a goal or not. So that is what we did. She looked forward to the slushies she would get if she played hard. Of course my idea of her playing hard is different from my husband's but that is somewhat ok. We decided together whether or not she would get her slushy. Mostly she did. But on the days she didn't she knew she wasn't really paying attention to the game. Everyone has off days.

But her last game was soooooooo. I can't even think of an appropriate word. She was tired. She had school that morning and a long day. She tried. She played. But once again the other team didn't have enough players for them all to play and our kids were rotated. She never does good when that happens. She can't really get into the rhythm of the game. A few times she didn't pay attention to what was going on. But she tried. And my husband bitched. Kind of under his breath most of the time. I tried to tell him enough. He didn't listen. Even my mother in law had heard enough. His tone was so biting. He had had a terrible day at work so he just shouldn't have come. He wasn't in the right frame of mind to exhibit his patience with a bunch of kids playing soccer. It got to the point where I had to tell him nobody wants to hear it anymore. I can imagine what the other parents were thinking. And my poor daughter. She doesn't need to hear it.

She is four.

She is learning.

This is her chance to have fun playing a sport.

I hope and pray she doesn't ever truly feel the pressure.

She will never be forced to be involved in something she doesn't like as long as I have a say in it.

Does anyone else have problems with the male competitive nature?

Field Trip

Today Jaclyn got to go on her first school field trip. It was to an apple farm. I took the morning off of work to be one of the parent drivers. I plan to do this again for her next one also. I am not sure I am ready to let another parent that I don't know drive her anywhere. I am really trying to not be too overprotective but it is really hard. With all of the crimes against kids these days you just never know. Plus I don't know what kind of drivers they are.

Anyone else who would have been leery about letting your child go in someone else's car?

Anyway, I get off subject.

When you get there you take a tracker pulled wagon ride across the land. The first thing the kids got to do was go through a child size cornstalk maze. Jaclyn went running through it in no time.

They were also able to peddle little trackers around a track. All of the kids were having a really hard time being able to peddle well enough as they were really heavy and hard to move.

Then they moved on to either the sand box or the play houses made of wood. One was set up like a schoolhouse and the other like a regular house.

In another area was all sorts of hay to climb on and had slides built into the hay. The kids were running around and having a great time getting all full of hay. One girl looked like she was a scarecrow.

From there they got to go down slides made from trees and across a bridge to another slide. The kids weren't sliding too well until they figured out to lay down on their backs with their feet up. Then they really starting booking down the slides.

We went on a hike through the woods. Each kid had to pick up 2 leaves to give to the teacher. She is taking those back to class. They had a snack at a pavilion in the woods.

One of the teachers found a whoolybear caterpillar to show them. All of their little faces were bunched around the teacher to get a good look at it.

Once back around to the front they got back in line for the tracker ride. We all piled back onto the wagon and headed back towards the cars.

I drove Jaclyn plus one other little girl from her class. On the way to the farm she didn't say anything. Not even a peep (and not the marshmallow kind). But on the way back she wouldn't be quiet. It was rather amusing to me.

The only thing that was grossing me out was she kept sneezing and making a nasty sound when she coughed. Her nose kept running also. Jaclyn was sitting right next to her in the car so I am praying she doesn't get sick. At one point they went to share the rest of their snacks and I told them they couldn't. I couldn't help it. I swear I am getting to be such a germaphobe. Anyone else feel the same way? I wonder if it is just me.

School Violence

It seems more and more people or children are taking guns into the school and killing anyone and everyone they can. I can't comprehend this.

It scares me more and more. With every new shooting I worry more because not only are my nieces and nephews in school currently but my precious little girl has started going to school. Granted she is only in pre-school this year but that soon will change.

On some level I would love to know what that person is thinking. I would love to know what makes a person think it is a good idea to kill children in any format.

I realize I sound like an old fart when I say this statement, but, I don't ever remember fearing for my safety at school on this level. Our only fear is that a rivalry school would come to ours and start a fight. A good old fashioned fist fight. Not good. But not deadly.

What is alarming also is how the media won't let it go. For every news channel or radio station has to recount the headlines and some in depth. I don't let Jaclyn watch the news when I can help it. I don't want her to worry about these things yet. I don't want her innocence taken away. I listen to a family friendly morning radio show and the other day they recounted the news headlines.

I was driving Jaclyn to my sister in laws house so I could go to work. On this short drive she heard the headline, "Children shot at school....." Of course she repeated it in a concerned voice.
I was caught a little off guard and didn't know what to say. So I said something lame like, "That won't happen at your school. That happened far away from us."

That was only half true. It wasn't all that far away and it was in an amish community. I would never have guessed that would happen.

I feel for those parents. Their beliefs are to forgive and that when it is your time there is nothing you can do. The details of how you die are not what counts but when. I don't think I could be that strong if someone hurt my child.

Sometimes I really believe this world is going to hell. I really hope I am wrong.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

My babe says some crazy things sometimes. But this was so cute I just have to write it down so I never forget.

Last night she was supposed to have a soccer game. But due to the stormy weather during the day it was cancelled.

Since we now had some free time we decided to go out to eat.

My husband and I were sitting on the bottom of the steps putting on our shoes. When we were done we were just sitting there waiting for Jaclyn to get her jacket.

She walks up in front of us and says.......


"Ahhh. You two look so good together."


We just started cracking up. Sometimes the observations that kids make surprise me. She has never said anything like that before.

It was the cutest thing. How can I not love her more than anything!

Homework

My girl had her first homework assignment yesterday. She was supposed to go on a field trip to an apple farm but due to the rainy/stormy weather it was postponed.

One of the things they were going to do on this field trip was to gather 3 leaves. They need them for class today.

Soooo, since they were unable to go on their field trip they still needed to gather 3 leaves. Hence the homework assignment.

Before I even got home she gathered three of these from my sister in laws house. When we got home we picked up 3 others. There was an oak leaf that looked similar to this one which was brown. One from a burning bush that look like this one and was red, and another one from a bush that turned yellow. I couldn't find a picture of that since I have no idea what kind it is.

I am not sure if they had to be from trees or not. So she is covered either way. I wonder what they will do with their leaves. Hmmmmm

When I asked her if she liked getting homework. She said.....

"yes, but I thought I could keep it at home."

Let's hope she always likes to have homework. I have a feeling she will change her mind. Anyone care to take odds?!

Update

I went to the doctor on Friday. I was still feeling pain in my side and was nauseous.

I got there and the doctor pushed and it didn't really hurt. I tried to sit up and that hurt. He wanted me to provide a urine sample. But I crumbled under the pressure. I tried to drink a bunch of water and still nothing. I couldn't even squeak out a drop. I felt like I was in there forever. When I finally opened the door the assistant was waiting and I hung my head and said sorry. I just couldn't do it. I am usually good with that but it wasn't to be.

I went back into the exam room and waited again for the doctor. He came back in shaking his head at me. He has a great sense of humor. He said he felt that it was muscular and gave me a prescription to take. He said to call him the next morning or on Monday if it wasn't any better.

I feel this morning it is better. Not 100% better but still much better than it was last week. I really didn't think I pulled a muscle since I hadn't done anything to warrant it on Monday or Tuesday. Granted over the previous weekend we had been moving furniture but still nothing I felt hurt. So I don't know what happened. But hopefully it is just a pulled muscle and doesn't flair up again.

Thursday Smursday

I don't really have anything today.

It is ice skating day so I hope my pain isn't bothering me too much by tonight.

As for the way I feel today - - - blah blah blah.

It is kind of cold, rainy, and just the type of weather that you just want to stay home. Have a cut of hot cocoa and curl up under your blanket and watch movies all day. Not that I ever really get to do that but it sure sounds great!

Pain

I have a pain in my side. Around about where my appendix would be. I am not sure what this is all about. I don't want to call the doctor but I am afraid I am going to have to. I have been feeling a bit nauseous after eating over the past week or so but nothing serious. I just thought maybe I was fighting to not get a stomach bug. Of course not bad enough to make me stop eating.

But then today there is this pain. It hurts when I move certain ways and really if I push on that spot. The problem with calling the doctor is that I don't have the time. Their office isn't anywhere near where I work and isn't really near my house either. It is out of the way. Plus I would have to take time off of work. Not really into that.

So I am not sure if I should wait to see if it goes away. I don't want to panic and call the doctor at every little paper cut. But I also will go if I need to.

My dilemma is how long do I wait before making the call? I don't know anyone who has had their appendix removed to even know if these are symptoms. My fear is if it is and it bursts then I am screwed. UGH.

Tuesday Mish Mosh

I have several random thoughts so I am just going to blabber on about them here. Together.

First, how about Ellmo? He is making a killing. Well maybe that is not appropriate to say about a children's toy. But the adults are the ones who are going crazy. Did anyone see this report?
Oh.My.Goodness. It is a toy. Now I understand the desire to get your hands on one but it is not necessary to hurt someone.

This reminds me of Black Friday. One of my favorite shopping days. Our office is always closed the day after Thanksgiving and I get up at the crack of dawn and head out for the stores. I stand in the lines to get in and try to get my coveted items. I have already studied the ads and know what I want and where. I know which stores open first and plan out a driving route to make the most of my time. I am usually just out getting extra stuff after 8:00am. But I got off track. My point is that even though I am one of "those" people. I am still not one of "those" people who will push, shove, run, and steal something out of someone else's cart. It is crazy. People get so uptight. I make it a point to be extra nice to the people working because there is no way in hell I would want to work on that day. CRAZY!!!

My mother pisses me off. This of course is nothing new but this just sucks. Apparently she is out of town but I am sure she knew about this. You see my godfather has been pretty sick as of the last few months. I didn't really know him but through email and our family email link I have gotten to know him a bit recently. I knew he was nearing the end of his battle with cancer but I had no idea he had passed away on the 17th. I had no idea there was a wake and funeral. I had no idea. I guess one of the older cousins decided this should not be something that was sent out to everyone through the email link. He assumed each family branch would notify all. Well our branch is broken. I came in to work yesterday to an email saying what a nice wake and funeral it was. WHAT!! This really bummed me out. I am sure I will be sad once I get over my anger.

My daughter yelled at me last night while we were playing a board game. Literally yelled at me. So I told her as calmly as I could that she did not need to yell. That I had not said she lied about where she was on the game and that she will not talk to me like that. Her response, "Mom, you made me mad. You said I went to the castle already and I didn't. You said I lied. You just made me so mad!!". It is a shame she didn't hear me the first time. So we put the game away and we will not be playing it again this week. The thing is if she would have listened to me that she indeed did go to the castle already she would have been winning. And the funny thing is she is so opinionated and believes she is always right. She will argue to death. So I just try to tell myself that it is good she is like this so that no one will ever walk all over her. Damn it. Who ever said kids should have a mind of their own (dripping in sarcasm is also something she picked up). I am sure these traits come from my husband. ;)

Maybe there was a common theme today. Can you guess what it was?

Yep.

Why can't we all just get along........

Sometimes I crack myself up.

New Living Room

My Sister-In-Law and her husband gave us their "old" entertainment center. They are getting a new one. Now keep in mind this one is in great condition and is maybe 6 years old if that.

This gave us the perfect excuse to paint the living room. We have been wanting to do it for awhile but the thought of moving our old entertainment center was enough to put the kabosh on that idea.

So this was the perfect time. I picked up a bunch of paint swatches a couple of weeks ago. It is very hard to pick colors since our carpet is a bright royal blue and we are unable to replace it now. Our current color was white with just a hint of purple. It looked white unless it was in a certain light or you looked in the corners.

Our new color is purple. But with a hint of grey/blue. As we told people we picked purple their reaction was always, "Oh". And I would laugh saying it isn't as bad as it sounds.

I did take before pictures but haven't been able to take the after pictures yet. Once I do I will add them on this post.

Needless to say we are exhausted. We started on Friday afternoon and had to finish with enough time to get the TV hooked back up before the 4:00 football game. And since I am the one who hooks up the electronics the pressure was on.

The suspense builds. Did the TV get hooked back up?

Or not?

I should take a vote. But who really cares.

And in case you care, yes it was done with time to spare.

My motivation was my good friend had her baby on Saturday and I wanted to get to the hospital to see her and the baby. Plus I was excited to give her my gift. She had a beautiful 9 lb. baby girl with a little bit of dark brown hair. She didn't feel heavy at all. Of course that is because I am now used to picking up 36 lbs.. of little girl. We got her this really cute pink and white build a bear on the day she was born so that the birth certificate of the bear matches the day of the babies birth. Every now and then I come up with a good idea.

Swish Swish

I am happy to say that I did not break a leg last night.

You see, last night was our 1st ice skating lesson. My sister, a friend, my sister in law and I were in the adult class and my daughter was in the kids beginner class.

We all learned how to fall. How to get up. How to march.

The adults also learned how to stop. How to hop in place. And how to make swizzels.

It was so much fun. But I did have a flashback moment.

Picture a young child around 8 or 9. Innocent and shy. Her parents put her in ice skating lessons. She learns how to skate fairly well. At the end of the year is the ice show.

This shy girl is then dressed in a flapper outfit. Which is really cool when you spin and certainly that was the best part.

During the show my parents and grandparents are seated in the bleachers to watch their precious child. Little did I know they had evil and sinister plans. Little did I know that as the show went on I would disown them completely. For they had a plan to embarrass me beyond belief.

After each group did their performance we all had to skate around the wall to wave to our fans. That is when I really really really heard the loud roar of my family. And they had the nerve to be saying my name in their cheers. What are they thinking. I refused to even glance in their direction. Who are those crazy people? I don't know. They are not with me.

I was soooooo very embarrassed. Funny how our perspectives change as we get older. I am now the one cheering for my daughter. She seems to like it, though.

And now I look back at that memory as a fond one.

So now I joke that we can be in the ice show this year as adults. I joke now but ask me in the spring and it may no longer be a joke. We shall see. Maybe they won't even ask us. And even if I am secretly happy I will be outwardly disappointed.

Busy Busy Busy

This week has been such a crazy week. Today being the worst in a way. We are also trying to clear out our living room to paint by this weekend. We are getting a new (for us) entertainment center from one of my SIL and BIL's who have bought a new plasma tv and are no longer in need of the one they have. It is really nice. It is real furniture. Ours is a pressed wood type of thing. Nice but not real furniture. So since we need to move everything it is a perfect time to paint.

But back to today.....

Not only do I need to work today, I had to drop off Jaclyn at my SIL's house which I don't normally do on Thursdays.

My MIL or SIL will be taking her home sometime this morning and my MIL will watch her the rest of the day.

I will then race home and take her to dance class.

We will then race to the bank.

We will then race home.

Eat dinner. Hopefully.

Change our clothes.

And both of us will be heading to the ice rink for ice skating lessons.

Yes, both of us.

Jaclyn has been wanting to take ice skating lessons for about 6 months. Today they will start. If you remember we went skating a few weeks ago and it was so much fun that my sister, her friend, and I decided to take lessons also. And now my other SIL is supposed to join us.
Get your ice packs ready. I may need them.

Pre-School Warnings

So I feel as though I have been getting indirect warnings from the pre-school teachers.

Since my SIL takes and picks up my daughter on the 3 days a week she goes to school I get the messages from her. When there is about 10 minutes left in class one of the teachers will go out into the hall and talk to the all the parents in general about the day. I keep hearing stuff like send them in comfortable clothes, don't wear anything fancy tomorrow or next week, dresses are probably hard for the kids, and on and on.

I can't help my daughter LOVES her skirts and dresses. I had finally talked her into wearing jeans for this week. She hasn't worn them yet since they were set out for tomorrow but we at least got them set out. Don't get me wrong. Jaclyn doesn't run the ship completely but I like to give her a say in what she wears. This makes her happy and me also since I don't have to struggle with her about her outfit.

Today was supposed to be one of the don't wear anything fancy days since they will be painting. So I picked out an outfit that was from Walmart as one of her crummy outfits. Most of her clothes are from the Childrens Place and I only paid a max of $5 per piece. Generally only a $1 or $2. She doesn't really have the rag-a-muffin type clothes. So I sent her in looking all cute and stuff.

I truly wouldn't be that upset if she got paint or juice or whatever on her clothes. If she wears each thing only once I got my money's worth.

Is it wrong that I want her to be clean and orderly when she goes to school?

Rockstar

I am all for a good rock band but I just spent the summer watching Supernova choose their new lead singer. Most of the decisions I have agreed with.

So it came down to the final 4. Over the few weeks prior they performed some of their new songs. It sounded like they wanted to have a different sound to what they had previously in their former bands.

But then they chose the winner and he sounds so much like the singers of their past bands. The hard hard rock sound.

UGH. That was a waste. I wanted Toby to win personally. I even voted online this week but to no good. I guess they just saved me some money.

Send Help For My Sanity

After only 2 days of pre-school my daughter informs me she has a boyfriend. His name is Anthony and he likes her a lot.

I ask how she knows he likes her. She tells me because he is always looking at her and he wants her to help him.

So I ask if she likes him. She is all giggly and says yes.

I ask her what makes her like him.

She tells me "because he likes for me to help him and he is funny and cool."

Oh boy. Am I in trouble.

Babies Grow Too Fast

My baby girl is no longer a baby. She is now a school aged child. How did that happen? When did that happen?

Well, it happened yesterday. Yesterday was her first day of pre-school. She was sooooooo excited. She could hardly contain herself. She went right in the classroom and sat on her name on the floor as instructed. They sang a number song, did a Clifford story, made a Clifford art project, played with toys, and played I spy. Even had a snack of juice and pretzels.

I took the day off so that I could be the one to take her and pick her up on her very first day. I was doing pretty good until we pulled out of our driveway and I saw the kindergarten kids get on the bus. I looked at the bus and it drove by and all I saw was all of these tiny little heads that barely reached the windows and tears started to well up in my eyes. If my girl wasn't in the car I probably would have been bawling. But I pulled it together as I didn't want her to see me crying before she went to school. When I got back there to pick her up she was actually a little sad it was over so quickly. But since she got to go back today it was all good from there.

Yesterday she wore her special school outfit we bought. On the shirt it said Princess in sparkly letters and another little girl in her class said she looked like a princess. It was really cute. She of course had to wear another dress today and has one picked out for tomorrow. We will see how long the dresses will last.

After I picked her up I took her to lunch. Just the two of us. It was so nice to just hang out with her. I really had a great day with my beautiful, smart, funny girl.

I love you Jaclyn, more than you know.

Fa, Fa, Fa, Fashion

Who decides what is in style and what is not. If you look back over the years there are some really silly looks that people thought were the bomb. Just like sayings they go out of style.

Flared jeans were such the craze, then those same people who wore their flares proudly thought what in the world. Then turned around and bought them for their kids so their kids would be hip and cool.

What I am not sure of is this fall's fashion trend.

Who decided it was cowboys and cowgirls for this fall season? Not that I am necessarily opposed to it but it just seems strange. When did the western scene become the IT look? Or a better question was who decided it was cool to wear leggings under shorts or skirts? I don't particularly like this look other than to say I love this because it covers more skin. I would love for the fashions to not be too skimpy as my daughter gets older. So I will toast anyone who makes kids clothing that covers up more skin than it shows. Here's to you fashion designer....

My fashion sense consists of the same basic clothes/style that I have worn for the past 10 years at least. I don't buy too many clothes for myself. Partially because I need to lose weight and therefore clothes shopping is not very fun. But mostly because I prefer to spend the money on my daughter. I try to buy clothes at the end of the season and put them away for the following year. But how do I do that when someone decided to make her a cowgirl.

Kids can be cruel so I don't want her too much out of style but I also refuse to get rid of the basics. She has her normal jeans, long sleeve cotton shirts, and other such items that she will be wearing often. I did purchase a special school outfit and some new shoes. Including some cowboy type brown and pink boots but other than that she is stuck with what she has.

I am thinking about letting her wear her special outfit for the first day. I really want to make it special since this is her first day ever of school. Even if it is pre-school. I want to take her picture going in and all of that good stuff. I hope I don't embarrass her.

My SIL is taking her to an orientation tomorrow morning since I have to work, so she will meet some of the kids then. But it is still not her real official first day. That comes on Monday. I took the day off so we can make a day of it. I told her I will curl her hair, drop her off, and pick her up. I think I may take her to lunch after or do something fun. She is so excited. I just hope she keeps that enthusiasm throughout her school years.

This also makes me very sad that she is growing up so quickly. I want to keep my baby with me forever. She tries my patience daily but I wouldn't trade her for the world.

She used to tell me that she was going to live with me forever. Recently she told me she wants her house to be pink. I told her that I thought she was going to always live with me. And her reply was, "Mom, it doesn't work like that. I will come visit you but I can't live with you".
WHAT!!! Who told her at 4 that she has to live on her own! The injustice of it all. Who thought it was ok to make her a little wiser in the ways of the world. UGH> I guess I can't keep her this age forever.

When I take her to my SIL's house during the day while I work I still put a change of clothes, medicine (in case it is ever needed), her glasses case, her blankets and baby and any other stuff in a bag that stays there with her. Until this week it was still a diaper style bag. It was a solid navy blue but still a diaper bag. So we went and got her a black Hello Kitty backpack and moved all of her stuff into that. I made a big deal about getting rid of her "baby" bag and now she has her big girl bag. She has been very big on not being called a baby and not being treated like a baby lately. Of course I use this to my advantage when necessary to get her to listen and do what was asked of her but it also makes me a little sad. My "baby" is no more. She is growing so fast I can't keep up. She still needs me more than not but she is growing mentally and emotionally also. My prayer is still that when she grows up and as she grows up we stay close and can always talk to each other about anything and everything.

Labor Day Weekend

So who had a great weekend? Anyone? Anyone?

Ooh! Ooh! Hand raised high. Ooh! Ooh!

I did.

Saturday we were busy cleaning, and doing errands. We were gone most of the day but I was totally fine with that since I still had 2 more days off of work.

Sunday we did some lounging in the morning but then in the afternoon Jaclyn and I went ice skating. A friend of mine was having a birthday party for her hockey son and invited us to come skating. Jaclyn has been dying to go skating ever since she saw some movies featuring ice skating stories. This has been the first opportunity. I knew I would be putting her in skating lessons this fall so Thursday evening I found her some used (like new) skates for only $15. With some new pink laces and use of my magic eraser they looked brand new. My sister as well as a few other people we work with were also invited. Plus a ton of other people.

So we get to the rink, put on our skates (mine-rented), and we head for the ice. Jaclyn thinks she will just get on the ice and she will be spinning and doing triple sowcows. However, that was not to be. She kept telling me that her tummy was nervous before we got there. I tried to prepare her for feeling that cool sensation on her bum but she still thought no problem. She puts her skate to the ice and whooom. She almost goes down. I am holding her hand and manage to keep her up. Now I am nervous as I have not ice skated in at least 20 years. So I am also prepared to kiss the ice. But the cool air and smooth glassy ice was so inviting that I didn't even care if I ended up close and personal with my reflection.

Jaclyn and I are inching along the side so she can hold the wall. We make it about a 1/4 way around the rink and 15 minutes has passed. I was a little bummed because I wanted to go. To feel the wind through my hair. But my child needed me. Then my sister came to the rescue. She grabbed Jaclyn's other hand and we started off. Each of us holding a hand trying to hold her up. Me going backwards, Missy going forwards and Jaclyn getting brave in between. Us continually saying "keep your feet flat and together". She thought she could swish swish swish with us pulling her. And by the time it was all said and done she could. And she would say go faster. I want to go faster. There were a few close calls where we almost bladed over another child or adult who came in our path. By the end we were all going forward as fast as we could.

And with 2 minutes left in this beautiful skating session........

We are going fast down the straight away when all of a sudden I am kissing the ice. OUCH!! My knee cap hits first. Then my arm and side. Jaclyn is down closer to Missy and it was ugly. You see we were getting cocky. Jaclyn lost her footing kicking my skate out from under me and before you knew what was going on we were down. It must have looked really bad because a man near us was asking if we were ok. And trying to offer me a hand to get up. I said we were fine through my laughter and tried to get myself up. I wanted to save what little dignity I had. But you better believe if I couldn't get up on my own I would have had to swallow the last bite of pride. Ahh but thanks to my toe pick I was able to maneuver myself to my feet. Jaclyn is not quite crying but also not whining. There was some sort of inbetween crying thing going on about her thumb bleeding. I would have taken a picture of it but the cut was so miniscule that it would not have shown up on film. It was also bleeding if you want to call it that. It was more like a red line.

So we are now done skating and getting our shoes back on. We get a snack for Jaclyn from the vending machine and get in the car. We drive the 30 minutes back home and all is well in the world. We had a blast.

A little while later I decide to look at my knee. OH MY GOODNESS!!! Who put that goose egg under my skin! It is scraped and swollen. My husband just shakes his head and goes on about his business (of doing nothing).

It was still a load of fun!!

Even though a few days have gone by and my knee is still a little sore and I discovered a scrape on my arm.

I am now the proud owner of my own ice skates. I will be hitting the ice once a week if at all possible.

Monday we went to a local county fair to check out the livestock. My daughter is so good about not hounding us for rides at the fairs that I even let her play a $5 throw darts to pop balloons guaranteed large prize for kids game. She got a cute stuffed purple butterfly that hasn't left her side yet.

The most important part of the fair for Jaclyn and I was her discovery of the elephant ear. I have been teasing her about eating elephant ears since last winter. All summer we weren't able to get one. Once I tried but she chickened out. She was very concerned we were going to be eating a real elephant's ear with powdered sugar on top. Needless to say she was happy it was not. I took her picture taking a bite before we left the fair. Now I will need something else to harass her with.

From the fair we went to my SIL and BIL's house for a cookout. We had a lot of fun there and found out they are remodeling their living room and will be giving us their entertainment center. It is much nicer than the cheap thing we use so that was a nice surprise. We should get it sometime in October. The trick will be to get it to our house. Now I will really need to get my butt moving to paint and re-arrange the furniture that I have been talking about doing all year.
We stayed there until 7:30 and then had to hurry home to catch Prison Break.

If I had my pictures off of my camera I would post some but sadly I am not that up to date transferring the pictures from my camera.

I hope everyone has a great short week. I know I am glad it is already Wednesday.

A Quickie

Just a quick moment to say.....


WOO HOOOOOOO

This is my last day with no makeup!!!! Not that I am excited or anything (sorry, I had to wipe my mouth. The sarcasm was running down the side of my chin.).


More later....

Running

You know way back when I was a child. It is hard to imagine that possible but it is true. As a baby I learned how to walk when I was 9 months old. I am sure I learned to run while I was 1.

But now that I am ummm well let's just say older I don't know how to run. It feels like my legs are thinking my mind is crazy for trying to fathom such an idea of moving one foot in front of the other in a fast motion. About a year and a half ago I started to take the stairs at work and run on my treadmill at home. My knee decided it wasn't very happy with me. I had problems with it locking as if something was in it before this bright idea too force. So I ended up having laproscopic knee surgery last summer.

I was doing well with trying to lose weight and be more active before this surgery. After it I just sort of stopped. My knee is completely better but my weight is not. I really want to change this but haven't found something to motivate me enough.

Well, I think I have found my answer......

I want to run a race at W*alt Di*sney Wo*rld!!!!

HOW FUN WOULD THAT BE!!!!!!!!!!

So I am making my goal to be able to run a race there. I don't think I could do it by this January but hopefully they have other events throughout next year.

Makeup

I find myself going crazy this week because I cannot wear my eye makeup. I am not someone who looks perfect by any means. I have been known to run up to the store without makeup on as long as I wasn't going to be gone long. I do pray that I never run into anyone. The horror of that is unthinkable.

But I have now had to go to work for 4 days without makeup. And everyone is looking at me. I know they are. I am NOT paranoid. They ARE looking at me. Don't you see them?

Ok maybe not but that is what it feels like. On a normal day, I start the day with my makeup done and I attempt to do my hair. Although if there is any moisture in the air that is a futile project. But at least I start the day with my makeup on. During the day I rub my eyes, face, and who knows what else. Not there. I mean on my face. Anyway, by the end of the day my makeup is usually rubbed off for the most part. My mascara and eye liners do see me through, though.

So now every time I have to leave my desk in my very brown bland cubicle I feel the eyes.

They.Are.Looking.At.Me.

I CAN SEE

I made it through and it is great to not need contacts or glasses at all. I currently have 20/20 vision which I have not had since I was a kid. Unbelievable.

It definitely was one of the scariest things I have ever done.

When you first get there they double check your vision using the chart and prescription do hickey that you say better 1 or 2, 3 or 4, etc. Then you leave all of your possessions with your designated driver. Including your glasses.

They lead you into a back waiting area where they swab all around your eyes with iodine and then make you take Benedryl. Why Benedryl I am not sure. But I was proud of myself for being somewhat calm and deciding to not take the Valium. Already back there is a couple on one of the couches and another lady on the couch next to the chair I decide to sit in. OH-nearly forgot they make you put on a surgical cap and cover all of your hair and put gauze under it and over your ears so that drops don't run into your ears. That was a pretty sight. At least I can imagine it was because I couldn't see anyone clearly enough to tell you. Everyone is fuzzy except the man who is only there to lend support to his wife. HE has his glasses on still so he was able to see. He offered to help me turn on the massage chair if I wanted to sit in it but I thought that would just make me more nervous so I stayed put. We all chatted briefly about our prescription strength and I was the lowest so I guess that is something....

The other 2 ladies were taken back before me so I was left to myself for a few minutes. Then they called my name. I tried to put on a brave face but I fear it didn't work. The "helper man" (HM) walked me to the first laser that was going to cut the corneal flap in each eye. He did warn me that it would go black while it was going. My eyes were numbed with drops and then it started. You have to try to lie still as you are tipped backwards in a dental type chair. Feet in the air. They put a cover over one eye and then suction cup a device over the eye they are working on. That didn't really hurt but it was a lot of pressure and did freak me out a bit. I tried to stay still and control my breathing but I was struggling a bit. The laser did its job and I couldn't see anything for a minute or so. When it was done that eye was extremely cloudy. They moved me a bit and did the second eye. The whole time I am thinking I don't even know if my eye is straight since I can't see a thing since you are "blind" while the laser was making its path along my cornea. Yikes. Once both eyes were done HM had me get up and go into the next laser room. He held my hand and guided me along. I still don't know what he really looks like but he is being very gentle and comforting. He reassures me that it is ok that it looks like I am looking through a bunch of bubbles. And in my head I think that is exactly what it looks like. How'd he get into my head?

In the next laser room I am left alone for 10 minutes for more drops to take effect. I am supposed to keep my eyes closed this whole time. I try to relax and I start to hear someone moving around. Next thing I know the Dr. is introducing himself and moving me under the laser that will now change the shape of my eyes. He again covers the left eye while they start with the right one. He asks me to look up as far as I can. He tapes my eyelid but I can't really tell if I am doing it right. I must be since he then told me to look down as far as I can and he again puts tape to hold my eye open. Dr. tells me to watch the red light. I think I am doing this and I hope I am doing this. I hope my eye is not wandering as my mind is. I can feel myself start to panic a bit as I smell the laser working it's magic and the Dr. must have sensed this as well. Before I can really get myself worked up I feel a gentle touch of the Dr.'s hand as he puts it on the side of my face. It was so reassuring that it calmed me down immediately. He did have to tell me to keep watching the red light during my left eye so I must have wandered but he wasn't at all gruff about it. Which again calmed me. The strangest part is before and after the 2nd laser does it's thing the doctor is swiping and brushing and fluttering my eyeball. At least that is what it seems like since I can't really feel it nor see it. It was as if he was tickling my eye with a feather. I knew he was moving my cornea and replacing it and making sure it all went back together correctly but it was almost comical in a surreal sort of way.

I know during each phase I was clenching my hands together and holding my breath as I do in the dentist office. But it was fast. Thank goodness it was fast. The parts that really shook me were the suction cup thingy and the smell. The smell wasn't really a burnt flesh sort of smell but it was definitely a hot burning smell. Thank goodness it was fast.

I was taken in the back waiting room at 3:00 and I was out the door and heading to the car by 3:30. But not before they put the clear plastic guards taped to my forehead. Now that was a lovely sight. And not before they snapped a picture of me with the doctor before I had a chance to catch my breath after the surgery. Again another beautiful picture. You have to go back in the next day for a follow up 1 day after surgery. At this visit when you are seeing clearly they present you with this photo. I couldn't even look at it. Oh my it was bad.

My sister was quite happy she decided to drive me since she was able to get a chair massage while she waited for me. They have food, drinks, TV, massages and who knows what else that they give kindly and freely to the people in the waiting area.

I couldn't really see too well Friday on the way home as my eyes were very sensitive to the light. Similar to when you get them dilated. You are supposed to go home and sleep for 3-4 hours so that you keep your eyes closed. It helps them heal faster and better. But with a 4 year old that wasn't a possibility. I did keep them closed the majority of the time until 6:30 (which was then 3 hours post-op). My husband was nice enough to go get pizza so that I didn't have to cook. But by 7:30 I needed to make brownies for a BBQ at John and Lauri's house on Saturday. I meant to make them before work on Friday but forgot. Then I decided to give Jaclyn a bath since I knew I wouldn't have time on Saturday. My husband thought I was crazy but it really wasn't that hard to do by that point. I was really feeling like something was in my left eye and it kept running but my right eye was fine. By 8:00pm both eyes felt fine. I took some motrin around 9pm and Jaclyn and I both went to bed.

Jaclyn was so sweet when she got home. I actually was home first and was lying on the couch when her and J got home. She came in and just started rubbing my leg and saying, "Poor mommy. I am going to take good care of you." over and over. It was the cutest thing. She really does have a good heart.

When I woke up Saturday morning both eyes felt great. They weren't really light sensitive anymore and I was able to drive myself back to the office for my check up. All was well and my goodness my vision is 20/20. Amazing....

Now I just have to get past not wearing any eye makeup for a week. That is the hardest part for me. At least when I am not at home.

Anxiety

The verdict is in.......

I am having Lasik surgery on Friday. Tomorrow. Oh my...

I know I am making a volcano out of a small nugget of lava rock but it is scary. Like the molten lava chasing me trying to swallow me up. These are my eyes after all.

I remember back when I was in 9th grade. I thought I was so cool. WHAT!! I was wacked. I had such a warped sense of who I was back then. It feels like that was another person and I didn't really have a childhood. I think of the things I used to do and wonder who was that person. I am not sure how I became the woman (how did that happen) that I am.

I hear people talk of their childhoods and I don't feel that. I don't remember much. Just a few scattered memories from elementary school. I didn't have many friends. I don't really know why. I know I went to one school through 3rd grade. When my mother remarried and we moved to another city I started a new elementary school for 4th -6th grades.

I remember from my first school that I had a couple of friends (don't ask me their names) and that I was excited to get a certain teacher for 4th grade but we moved before I got that teacher (have no idea who that was now or if male or female or alien).

I remember my new school and the kids picking on me. I was a little chunky at that age and nobody really liked me. One big girl (at least I remember her bigger than me but who knows if she really was) tried to protect me but that didn't last through 6th grade. I am not sure how that fell to the wayside.

I do remember being able to jump rope really well. Even in my clogs.
Oh my clogs. I loved them more than anything. I was "grown" up and they had a high wedge heel. I wasn't allowed to get the ones that weren't a wedge. I wore them everywhere. They truly were the best thing ever!

What I remember most about my childhood is staying at my grandparents house. ALL THE TIME. I loved it there and those are really my fondest memories. My grandfather telling us we should make chocolate chip cookies and then leaving my grandmother and I to bake them. My grandmother gently rubbing my eyelids as I lay in the yellow daisy bedroom until I would fall asleep. Loving the velvety touch to the wallpaper in the dining room. Loving when my grandmother would vacuum the formal living room and the carpet would make stripes from the vacuum. Running around their house. Hiding in the crawl space in the basement. My grandmother telling anyone and everyone to leave me alone if I did something wrong. Truly being loved unconditionally by them. Sniff.Sniff.Sniff. Fighting back the tears as I write this because I miss her so much. Never really feeling that again after she passed away 14 years ago. Ok, I must get back to other childhood memories before I am crying my eyes out.

I remember going to the middle school and somehow making friends. I was never one of the popular girls but was able to get along with most cliques. I think part of my dorkness was that I was tall and developed ahead of other girls. Granted that all came to a screeching halt and I went from being one of the taller kids in the class to one of the shortest ones.

In middle school I had a "boyfriend" who wanted me to go to the dance. So we did and I was mortified at the time for the slow dance because he was shorter than I was. I hid in the bathroom until someone made me come out. That relationship only lasted 2 weeks. But we remained friends all the way through high school. Well, until he got a girlfriend that didn't like me being friends with him since we dated. I guess at that age the 2 weeks really counted. I still feel weird if I am taller than a man. Good thing my husband has 2 inches on me if he would only stand up straight.

I remember art class in junior high. I wasn't very good at it but I really liked the class. I also remember English class because of my teacher Mr. Fritch. I loved purple. It was my favorite color. His too. I sat in the front and was one of the best students in the class. I was always getting extra attention from him. By this time I was very thin and but probably still dorky. He used to use markers a lot and would get grape scented purple markers that he would always let me smell. I never thought it strange or weird. He was just my really cool teacher. And although extremely strange and weird to analyze now he will always be my cool teacher. As a side note, when we were in high school he ended up marrying a girl who was only a couple years older than me which we thought was scandalous at the time but not so much now.

At the time you don't think your teachers are only in their 20's. Most weren't but there were some young ones. Like the basketball coach. He was dreamy. He even asked me to play but I was too chicken. Plus the whole being short thing by then.

I was relatively a good kid. I didn't get into too much trouble. But I did start to drink alcohol in high school. Ok. Not IN high school but during my high school years. We would get drunk before dances at the local boys high school. We would sneak out at night to hang out at Dominos. Until my dad ended up getting a job there. Then there went that fun spot to flirt with the cute guy who worked at night. The local gang type guys looked out for me on the strip (a main road near my house where they hung out). I liked one of them and he took good care of me and wouldn't let me around anything bad. So even though they had a bad reputation I never really saw it. I had a crush on him but I think he knew better than to go there with me.

I did cut classes in high school quite a bit in my junior an senior year. The dynamics in my school changed drastically from my freshman year to the time I graduated and I just couldn't stand to be there. My dad got me out of detention once which was very cool of him. Saying he knew I wasn't going to be in class.

I basically hung out with the same set of friends, 1 girl and about 4 boys. Elaina and I were best friends through junior high and high school. But after that we kind of drifted apart. She had separate friends from the restaurant she worked at and I had mine from working at McDonalds. Our mothers were then best friends for many years after that. They probably still keep in touch. We both had serious boyfriends in high school. She was the first to "lose IT". I was so jealous. I was 17 when that happened and it was with my boyfriend of 2 years. He was a year older than I was and after I graduated he broke up with me. Although I don't blame him. I would have too. I was a flirt and had a couple of harmless kisses with others. It was for the best. I often wonder what happened to Bob. People thought I went out with him for his car because he wasn't the best looking guy. He had my all time favorite car in the world. A 65 mustang. It was a great car. But he was sweet and nice to me and I needed that. I hope he is well, married, and loving life. As a funny side note, his parents once caught us in the act. Boy was that embarrassing....

I don't remember being cold or hot on any day. I do remember walking to a school dance at the boys high school in just a pair of flats through the snow and thinking that wasn't bad at all. I was popular with the boys there. Partly because I worked with many of them but also because I used to be fun back then. I would just have fun. No pressure for anyone. Just hanging out dancing, talking, laughing, and who knows what else.

I tried to go to a local college after I graduated but that ended after a couple of quarters since I was also trying to work full time and just didn't have time. I still believe if I had been allowed to go away to college I would have finished. I wish I would have finished. But oh well. Sometimes I think it would be nice to get my degree now but in reality I know I don't have the desire to put in the necessary time at this point in my life. I would just want to be home with my daughter.

I wonder who was this salad eating, working out, loving life-(sort of) girl who knew how to have fun and was fun to be around. Who knew how to win at any water fight. Who could outrun the boys chasing her. Whose little sister always wanted to hang around and thought she was cool. Maybe she was cool at the time.

Where did she go?

Thank Goodness for Tivo

As the fall is fast approaching so is the new TV lineup. Yes we are a house with a TV on constantly. Even if no one is watching. But we do love our TV shows.

If it weren't for my husband's wonderful birthday gift he received a couple of years ago we would never be able to watch them all. But due to our wonderful Tivo we are able to record all sorts of things. Sometimes it will even record things it thinks we will like. Not always right but you never know what will be there by the Tivo brain.

Last night was the season premiere of Prison Break. It comes on at 8:00 which is not a good time for us as this is not a child friendly show and Jaclyn's bedtime isn't until 8:30-9:00. So we let it record and watch it after she is in bed. Yay for us!! Of course the show was awesome. It had a shocker moment that people weren't ready for. Got me all pumped up for me to lay in bed forever before being able to fall asleep. I loved every minute of it!

Last year this was how our nights were filled with TV: Prison Break, 24, Road Rules Challenge, House, Veronica Mars, The OC, ER, The Apprentice, Lost, Survivor, Rock Star, American Idol, Grey's Anatomy, and I am sure there were others.

Too many, I know. But great entertainment. Granted I usually watch something in the mornings as I am getting ready for work and sometimes on the weekends but they are usually worth it.

Ok. I will admit it.

Our house is full of TV junkies.


On the Lasik front, still no decision. My husband wasn't satisfied with the list I made and never looked at the checkbook. He claims he will look at the stuff today so we can decide. I told him I need to know since there is prep work I need to do starting this evening plus 2 prescriptions I need to get. UGH.

I Am Freaking.....

I am really freaking out today. I feel so nervous it is ridiculous.

I am terrified that my husband will put his stamp of approval on me getting Lasik surgery on Friday. It is costly and will increase our monthly bills. But if he doesn't agree than I need to order new contacts and get these glasses off of my face. BUT if he does agree than I need to muster up enough courage to go through with it. And that has me shaking in my boots or rather my sandals. I have to show him a copy of all of our bills and run through that whole mess. That also makes me nervous. Not that there is anything he can't see but I always feel like I am in an inquisition when he wants to look at the checkbook and bills.

Also adding to that is my excitement about Prison Breakk being back on the air tonight. I love that show!!! And that makes me nervous. And when that comes on after 24 then I can't get to sleep. I love it!

Are there any shows you are addicted to?

For me there are too many to list. Sad I know. But true.

Help Me Understand

I have been sitting on this info all week. I am not sure what to say. I just don't understand how these things happen. Or why.

In my family I have 2 younger sisters. There is the middle girl, M, who I love to death and is my best friend and sister. I talk to her just about every day. We work for the same company and I would do anything for her. She is the one I pray will become pregnant and soon.

Then there is the "other one", S. She just had a birthday on the 14th. She turned 25. So M sucked it up and called her and found out that she is 3 months pregnant and how that makes her birthday suck because she can't even enjoy it. (Keep in mind she is smoking as she is talking) Also she is now living with our mother in a trailer home (not that there is anything wrong with that but it is small). Oh and did I mention this will be her 4th child. Not to mention the other pregnancies she terminated (of which I have lost track). Many people who don't really know M or I would think that our issue is the fact that the father of all of these children is black and we are not. However, we could care less about that. Our issue with S is her total lack of responsibility and the way she chooses to live her life.

It is so frustrating for us to feel for her when she had lied to us, stolen from us, and on and on. I don't want Jaclyn associating with these cousins of hers because they are such bad examples to her. I do feel bad on some levels that these poor kids are going to have a somewhat crappy life and will really need to have strong will to overcome the obstacles that their parents have made for them. But I don't go out of my way to see them. I know shame on me but I can't help it.

There is so much bad history between S and I that I refuse to be led down that path of worry again. I went through a period that I ended up having chest pains from stress over trying to take care of the family. I had to break away for my own health. My poor grandfather pays her rent and any other bills-monthly. Neither S nor her man (of which I only know his "street" name) work. Neither cares if they have the kids around them or not. I think they would both be happy if they could do as they pleased and party as they would like. S has supposedly kicked him out and that is why she is back living with my mother. But she is old enough to take some responsibility for herself and stop mooching off of everyone.

My mother thinks M and I need to forgive S and believe that she is trying to make things better and get a job and blah blah blah. But then she announces she is pregnant and it is the same old shit. What is really sad is that now she is my mother's golden child while M and I are on the bad child list. Whatever.

What I really need to understand is how in the world people who would do anything to get pregnant can't yet there are people like my sister, S, who disregard what a precious gift that is.

Impatience

Sometimes I lack the patience necessary to deal with the attitude my daughter can sometimes have.

Last night was one of those days. I knew she had already gotten into trouble during the day for lying. Plus it was full moon-ish and for some reason that affects her as well.

So it is finally bed time and she goes potty and we are getting ready to brush her teeth. She is dilly dallying rinsing her hands and I am tired of telling her to just rinse them already.

So...

I splash a little water in her face.

She gets a bigger attitude. She is all, " Uh. Why did you splash me! " and then taking off her glasses, "You made them worbelly!"

I look at her and bust a gut laughing.

She tries her best to keep her attitude face for about 30 seconds and then she starts laughing also. I tell her that is not even a word.

We finish in the bathroom, get her a drink of water, lipstick (lip balm), and head off to bed. She even went to sleep relatively quickly.

Help or Not So Much

Let me set the stage....

It is spaghetti for dinner and I cook. I make the sauce in one pot. Brown the ground meat in a pan and then add to sauce pot (minus the grease). Boil water and cook noodles in another pot. Drain noodles in strainer.

We eat. So that is 3 bowls (yes we are a bit strange and eat our spaghetti out of a bowl instead of a plate), 3 forks, 3 glasses, 2 pots, 1 pan, 1 strainer, 2 serving spoons, and other misc. dishes in the sink. Oh I almost forgot about the rolls I made so that adds another knife and cookie sheet. Not to mention having to wipe off the stove and wash the spoon holder from the stove.

Ok.

I go into the kitchen to start to clean up. I hate washing dishes after spaghetti night. We do not have a dish washer so everything is done by hand. Which on most days is ok. Anyway into the kitchen I go. I put the sauce in a bowl for leftovers and begin to wash the dishes.

I notice my husband washed his bowl and fork.

BUT LEFT EVERYTHING ELSE. He even had to wash these around the strainer and pot in the sink from the noodles. He has done this on several occasions.

I laugh the I can't believe this is happening again laugh. He wonders what I am laughing at. So I proceed to say, "You washed your bowl?"

He replies, "yeah, I know how you hate to wash spaghetti dishes."

I then proceed to let him know that by washing only his bowl he is not helping me at all. It is not really the dishes we eat on that I hate to wash. That I really hate the pots and pans.

Can anyone guess what he said next?????

Yep, him, "Ok, then I won't do it anymore."

Me, "UGH"

So I pose this question, was it really a help or not?

Also does anyone have anything that your significant other does that thinks they are helping but really just annoys you????

Why oh why can't I win the lottery....

I am feeling kind of sad today. I would so love to be able to be a SAHM but sadly that is just not in the cards for me.

If you are easily offended by the debate of Working Moms vs. SAHM then continue reading at your own risk. I do not mean to offend. It is simply how I feel.

I often wonder about the work from home advertisements you see. I know most are scams but how do you weed those out? How wonderful it would be to find a legitimate job that allows it's employees to work from home. My employer has a few of those positions but it is scary to me to take that risk. Most of the people I know that have taken those positions in a claims processing department are now no longer with the company. A risk I can't afford to make.

I also often wonder how many people feel as I do. I am often jealous of the SAHM's out there. When home on a vacation day and running errands you see these other mom's out with their kids. I make assumptions they don't work which they could be doing of me also when at a store or park or wherever during the day during the week. I don't judge them just envy them.
It is always hard for me to be supportive of a SAHM who complains about it. I know in my head that with everything there are frustrations and challenges so why would being a SAHM be any different. But in my heart I feel like I would give anything to have those problems. I try my best to listen and be supportive because I know my jealousy is not their fault.

I am just so much happier and at peace when I know I don't have to work. Please don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have a job. I just wish I had the choice of working or not.

Lasik Surgery

Anyone ever done this?

It scares me to death. I have put off even considering it for a few years.

But....

This year my contacts have been making me crazy! Wearing glasses is not really an option I am happy with. So I suddenly decided to make an appointment. I go on 8/19 for my free consultation. The worst part is that I need to take my contacts out for 5 days prior. So that will be a hard week.

The biggest stumbling block is the cost. This is not covered by my insurance so it will be completely out of my pocket. This may mean the difference between whether or not I follow through with this.

But....

If it is possible. And it is successful. And I don't need to wear contacts or glasses.

I don't know what I would do with myself. To be able to wake up, swim, or do anything in my daily life and be able to see clearly without eye irritation would be simply marvelous.

So wish me luck that I would only need one of the less expensive lasers and that I am a good candidate....

Home Body

I am such a home body. I don't really like to go out and do things. After work I like to do what I have to and then just stay home.

So last night was a challenge. My husband won tickets to the Train concert. I came home from work, took Jaclyn to her swimming lesson, and then hurried back home again to eat and get ready to leave in 30 minutes. My mother in law came over to watch Jaclyn and off we were.

I was not thrilled to be going. I love the band and their music. I just didn't want to stay out late on a work night and blah blah blah.

BUT....

Once we were there it was wonderful. The stage is set on the river bank and they have made such huge improvements from the last time I was there to the whole area. It was a beautiful backdrop!

The opening band was Toby Light(something) and she was pretty good but I was just counting down until Train would begin. It was about 9:15 when they took the stage and needless to say I was yawning. I am such a lightweight. But that is a whole other post.

Anyway, they come out and Pat Monahan starts to sing. And his voice is awesome! He was so personable and friendly. You could understand his words. During She's On Fire he pulled 4 girls/women on stage. One was a little girl and he made her the star of this part. He wanted them to sing the chorus "She's on Fire" and centered the little girl in front of the mic. Later, he said there was a woman he wanted to get to know a little better and had her come on stage and sit next to him at the edge. He was sweet about it and she was a "real" woman and not a skanky groupie. She looked genuinely embarrassed and he was great with the whole bit. He had tons of audience participation with singing and what not.

I am happy I went and it was truly a Great Concert!!